“Can you please be more specific about the baggage you’re sorting? If you’re throwing out bad habits and people, I am wondering what you mean by that. I am transitioning from an unhealthy romantic relationship, and could use some advice about how to move on.”
Sheesh. Well, I need to be absolutely clear – I am not throwing out people. Nor am I considering my recent relationship unhealthy or baggage-ish in need of discard. In fact, I consider that recent experience to be incredibly transformative and beautiful.
Since you’re not the first to infer it, I will clear the air about my recent tango. It was not an unhealthy relationship – we were just both unprepared, trying to step into a relationship while missing key, important parts of our own selves. The timing was off. Relationships are all about timing. Because there is compassionate human understanding in this regard, it’s easy to have gratitude for and toward someone who was very respectful of the adventure we shared. I have great love and appreciation for that short encounter and for him. He granted catalyst energy so I could get closure to old injuries and come closer to my authenticity, and be healed in important ways – how can that be considered anything but a blessing?
That being said, if you’re transitioning from an unhealthy romantic relationship – I applaud your move toward a healthier, more authentic self.
What I should clarify about baggage, and discarding relationships and unhealthy patterns is this;
By discarding unhealthy relationships, I am mostly referring to my relationships with myself, with my work, with my body and with my history. I am also referring to my relationship with my mother and childhood, which I blogged about here. I’m saying that outmoded ways of getting by, are being let go in favor of reaching for a healthier more vibrant life. I’m letting go of a lot of limiting self-talk, and a freight train load of unworthiness issues and the giant albatross of shame.
I’m sorting out and discarding baggage related to my belief systems, to be specific, my prejudices surrounding organized religion and control-based faith paradigms. I am re-visioning my own faith to include more openness and acceptance for the conflict of ideas. I’m throwing out my unhealthy patterns relating to thought processes that limit my sense of connection, or ability to trust. I’m re-establishing healthy boundaries. I’m discarding old injuries that really no longer define my story, releasing old wounds that hold me back, and fears that have prevented me from making forward leaps toward the future I really want.
Habits about how I carry stress, harm my body or spirit, refuse to receive love, agonize about failure, etc. Crippling, unhealthy worries and anxieties are being replaced with newfound belief that everything will work out well. That all things are possible and that life is surprising and beautiful – it’s just about acknowledging it and letting it in. I’ve instituted changes in my diet, work habits, and goal planning. I’m also working on learning to allow more intimacy and hopefully graduate to accepting someone special into the sacred space of my inner thoughts. But, you know, baby steps. Someday. No rush. It’s just an awareness that I’d like to get there, and it might take some practice.
I hope that’s specific enough.
As to the request for how to move on from an unhealthy relationship – well, I have actually done that before, so I can say a few things toward that. Sometimes those unhealthy relationships are with lovers, or family, a group of friends, or our upbringing, community, etc. Unhealthy relationships and needing to move on are not just romantic in nature.
But this is the full, honest truth: You are absolutely worth your own health and happiness. Period.
Advice about moving on? Wow. That’s a tough one.
I guess the only thing I’ve got on that is to try and track down your authentic self. Where did you give up your happiness? Where did you give up your emotional health? It might have been your romantic relationship, but it could have been before. It might have been the relationship prior. Where did you compromise your energy and boundaries? Where did you give your power away to an outside idea/person/situation?
It’s a tough one. If we, as individuals, are already slipping into someone, we often give up something we care about that’s important to us to compromise for a relationship whether it’s healthy or not, we make consents. Sometimes it’s at the behest of our lover, other’s we set it down and just don’t pick it up again and we lose balance. They might not even ask it of us – and we stray away from our authenticity, and get lost in the woods.
It’s easier to move on, to reclaim your joy and yourself if you actively do what you love. What do you love? What makes you laugh? What brings you joy? What balances you and makes you feel “whole”? Then do or be or actively, consistently nurture those things. Include them in your daily events. Fit YOU into your day, regularly.
If Tony Robbins and Oprah had a love child it’d sound like, “You gotta love you first! Love yourself, baby!”
Basically, getting over a relationship is really about getting in touch with YOU as an entity, and really loving what you find there. Acknowledging worthiness. Embracing your own value. Remembering that you’re funny or smart or charming. If you forgot you were those things when you were with someone, why? Why did you give up those ideas about yourself? Did they ask you to? Did you fear claiming it? Whatever it might be – you’re awesome and you should own it.
Own your awesome.
I suppose that’s advice even for people like myself who tried to have a relationship in a place where I didn’t already think these things about myself or my life. I was missing some of my wholeness before I even stepped up for that kiss. That was my bad. I’d let consistent injuries damage my belief in what I had to offer.
All’s I can say to that is, thank god, he wasn’t the kind of man who would exploit that weakness for his own gain, because I didn’t even know that weakness was there. Total blind spot. Furthermore, I’m grateful that I’ve been given the opportunity to recognize it, so I can fix it before the next guy comes along and could potentially use to bring me to my knees. Fix it now, and spare myself the emotional entrapment later.
Anywhoo, point is, whether you’re recovering from an unhealthy relationship with a partner, a job, a life pattern or even just finding yourself or your missing parts – the work is really about getting back to your center. It’s the fastest way back to feeling good again. It’s the surest way to be okay, move on, and be whole.
Answering the calls to adventure? Even if that call is a walk through the park or a trip to the craft store. Answering the calls to stillness, to singing in the shower, to buying an item of clothing you’ve always wanted, or to starting that business plan. If there’s something you want – go get it. Stop at nothing. If something is actually stopping you, examine it with the above questions; lather, rinse, repeat. Seriously, what’s the holdup?
Moving on really just means moving TOWARD. Toward what you want, which ultimately is wholeness and healing.
The rest will come together in time. Wholeness will complete you when you’re not stressed out about it. Love will happen again. Say yes. Smile. The Universe is on your side, so get on the side of the greater good, get on your own side, which is being everything you need and want to be – and abundance and healing will be yours.
Your authentic self is waiting for its second chance. Your next relationship will be magically everything you want or dreamed it could be – if you let your true self, your whole heart, your authentic loving center make the calls.
I hope that helped somewhat.
Thank you for the note that allowed me to realize a few things of my own!
I wish you the very best!