Agro

I woke up furious today. 

I guess I’ve finally hit the anger stage.  I was simmering last week, boiled over a few times this weekend, and was pretty steamy last night after class.  I even smoked a Swisher Sweet in hopes it would mellow me out.  No such luck.  No mellow – just bad breath.

Why angry? Well, at first I thought it was an unusually bad case of PMS, but the timing was wrong and smoking didn’t help.  I cut back on my sugar and caffeine but- nothing.  Then this morning it was amplified and disproportionate.  I was grateful I’d already put my notice in at work, likely in this condition I could easily get myself fired.

Anyway, I figured it out about mid-morning when I was contemplating throwing a ceramic coffee mug at the phone.

Oh.

Yeah.

The anger phase.

Riiiight.

I’m guessing that with all the emotional fluctuation that came with my decision to go on a Bliss Quest, and the anxiety over quitting my job and pursuing a deal in Seattle, that I hit an emotional exhaustion that has made it difficult to maintain the dam on my divorce emotions.  I don’t want to say I was suppressing my divorce emotions, just – well, avoiding the brunt of them until I could find a safe time and place to unload – like say – the desert, or Antarctica.

When I made up my mind last summer that I wanted to feel, I knew I would need to feel everything.  I didn’t want medication for my divorce, for depression or anxiety.  I wanted to feel it all.  Sometimes, I wished I didn’t have to feel the weight of utter grief, the desolation of loosing a life with someone I treasured, but I also knew that if I wanted to survive and be whole in the future – I needed to feel it, then say goodbye to it.

Anger is no different.  It’s uncomfortable, awkward and difficult to maneuver with, but I need to go through it to get to the other side.  Of all the stages Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance – not in that order- Anger is the emotion that is the most difficult for me to navigate. 

Nice girls are not meant to be angry.  Good girls, don’t scream.  Yadda-Yadda.

I need to make peace with this phase and my capacity as a woman, and as a human to be angry and to express anger in a healthy way so I can get a step closer to my true self.

All that being said, my throwing capacity is approximately 20ft with stunning accuracy.