Okay.

So I keep meaning to write about the book deal and get sidetracked with the whole emotional rollercoaster thing instead, and I’m getting questions from friends who want to know what’s up.
Here’s the thing.  I’m not really allowed to talk about it.  I can give minor details like…Last month I received a contract from Schiffer Books, based in Pennsylvania.  I’ve agreed to do a mass-market book, but they would like me to keep it mostly to myself due to the fact that they don’t want a different publisher to use the idea.  Once a couple of changes are made to the actual contract; name update and the such, then I’m free to go to Seattle where I’ll be doing research for 2-4 weeks. 
Because I put my notice in with work, after the 2-4 weeks I’ll be officially without a job, so I’ve decided to travel while I write.  The deadline is August 15^th, 2006.  Honestly, I’m not sure how this will work out, hence the nausea. 

At acupuncture last night I fell asleep on the table.  I dreamed I was putting very important boxes in the trunk of a cab in a city I didn’t recognize.  Tall buildings and narrow streets.

I woke up occasionally, or perhaps I wasn’t completely asleep, but now and again a limb would twitch and I was back to reality with small needles stuck in my body.

I explained my anger revelation when I got to the practitioner and she put needles in my liver and my kidney meridians.  I’m not sure how it all works but when I left I was really relaxed.  Mellow.  Almost too relaxed to drive home. 

Later, as I was brewing a cup of earl grey, I felt what I thought was a catch in my chest and I took a deep breath – then like a cough, a powerful sobbing fit hit me.

Holy Snot-bubble, Batman!
 
I was astonished by how powerful it was! A full body shudder and heave, I flopped down on my bed, muscles tense and straining – you know, that kind of cry where no sound comes out for a very long time, but tears and slime go everywhere?

Normally I would have tried to slow it down, hold it back or even to try distracting myself… but as it was a much stronger emotional response than I was used to, I just let it go.  It was loss.  Betrayal. 

Sometimes when I cry I don’t really understand why, I just chalk it up to being a chick – but I recognized this as it seemed to come from my belly, a faucet blast through my joints and bones then out into the world.  I’ve been betrayed. Primal. Painful and simple.  No reason to pretty it up or squash it down.  The barrier of my composure was breached so the best way to heal is to feel it, acknowledge it, and let it go.  

Then – I felt great!  I pile of tissues later.  A cup of re-heated earl grey and voila!

What is it Marv said in Sin City – “That’s the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there’s no way you’d know.”
 
So, long story short-ish… Today is fabulous.  I feel great!  I expect that I’ll have a few more of those episodes, before all is said and done.  The thing about healing is it seems to be a process that I can’t predict, full of twists and potholes – but each day is exponentially better than the day before.

Now I’m planning an adventure.  I’m running pell-mell toward the horizon line with a shitty grin on my face.  Last year I would never have believed it.

Look out world, here I come – streaky mascara, and snotty nosed – I shall conquer!