As it tends to happen when your journey shifts in a new direction, there is fear and sadness and anxiety. So knowing I’m leaving Seattle and Portland and my friends here behind to continue TheBlissQuest and hit the road… tonight I am very sad.
Last night was fantastic; Jeffy and Mistress Sara held a going away party for me and all my friends here in Seattle (most of them I’ve known since I was 14) showed up to do fondue and have drinks and play Karaoke.
I’m sure this is the drunkest I’ve ever been, being as that makes a grand total of four times, and I’m not likely to be doing much in the way of binge drinking since I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the topless running around the neighborhood. To be fair to myself, I sort of missed out on all that growing up so I won’t be too harsh about judging it. It is what it is… which was fun and not likely to ever happen again. Uh, maybe.
We all crashed late, and woke up early. As we fixed breakfast and had coffee I was standing in the kitchen next to Andymay while Munchkin was running around screaming, people were chatting and laughing and looking at pictures from the night before and I thought – “so this is it. I love this.”
I loved being there having a life with people I love, doing normal things like cooking and sipping coffee while waking up to ridiculous memories from the night before. I’m really going to miss this. I’m really going to miss them.
It never ceases to amaze me how from one event to the next I don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror or speak and I surprise my inner judge. Where is that co-dependent, scared married girl? Where is that panicked to survive grasping to keep her head above the water, young woman?
Who is this Athena who was once afraid to drive in Seattle, or strike out on her own – and now knows there is so much abundance and beauty there is really no reason to be afraid of anything or anyone ever again?
Fear will creep in, it will surprise me frequently I’m sure – but I think having made contact with a new strength and a freedom in the knowledge that no matter how alone I might feel – I have friends, and my fear will be easier to conquer.
I don’t recognize me from two years ago, a year ago or even six months and isn’t that the point?
Tonight I packed my bags and they’re sitting by the door. Jeffy and Mistress Sara have opened their home to me and let me stay for a ridiculously long time with compassion and encouragement. I only hope that someday I can return the favor. So I feel a heavy sense of letting go. I’ll see them again next spring, but at the rate I’m shifting, the me driving away, won’t be the one that returns – so there’s grief in that understanding and also a lot of excitement.
I’ll probably cry all the way to Olympia, then start laughing till I reach Woodland whereupon I’ll click into the groove and blast the music and sing me heart out the rest of the way to Portland (the last 20 mintues) – it’s my process and I’m learning to respect the process.
I have loads of pictures and recipes to post, but I’ll have to do it later this week as for the moment I’m exhausted and surprise-surprise after a heavy night of cheese and chocolate and white Russians – I’m not feeling peak condition for sitting at the computer long.
Thank you all you fabulous people who came to say goodbye and send me off with cheer and well wishes to find Bliss. You all rock! And since I’ve known most of you for literally half my life – I can say with all sincerity – half my life has been blessed with some pretty damn amazing people.
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