I’m writing this particular blog to ask for help. Advice. Feedback.
When I set out on the BlissQuest I had a burning desire to see New Zealand. I can’t explain why it seemed so important – or why it now seems like a burden to go. At first I thought it best not to buy my ticket until the lawsuit was worked out, then I talked to an agent in NZ who was willing to put me on the books during my visit. I still didn’t feel safe leaving the country until I got my court stuff sorted and I also knew that by the nature of small people trying to rape the system and those they think they can get money from – they wouldn’t work out the court problem until the last possible moment, thereby screwing all my plans and causing me stress for as long as they could manage.
The good news is that they’ve agreed to arbitration with my insurance company. The bad news is that they can still technically re-file the suit, again or dismiss the arbitration until the 30th of December. If they go into arbitration in spring I should be free of the stress burden, but it’s also been recommended that I don’t wander off until all is settled. One lawyer told me that they could try and work around my “plans” for travel and schedule around New Zealand and at the time I couldn’t tell him “plans” because I didn’t have them anymore – everything was completely thrown off course due to my waiting around all year for the okay that it was safe to leave. I didn’t buy my tickets at a decent price and now they’ve doubled in cost.
Now the problem is that I have no desire to go at all. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. I haven’t even contacted the agent in NZ because I have no idea what I’ll tell her. “I waited too long for my case to do something and now the plane tickets have doubled, tourists costs are at peak season and I’m still afraid to leave when things are not settled at court. I’m tired and I’m craving my own bed and I’d love some time to put my clothes in a dresser rather than a duffle bag.” I keep telling myself the only reason I think she wouldn’t understand that is because I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why I’m not chomping at the bit to escape to NZ! To go skydiving and walk the beaches and all that jazz! I’m so ridiculously conflicted about feeling like I need to live up to my earlier excitement, as well as everyone being excited on my behalf.
The other night I dreamed I sternly told myself to take NZ off the menu and consider something else, then the next morning after a cup of coffee I asked myself if today I would just throw caution to the wind and book the stupid thing. So clearly, my conscious and my subconscious are at war – I don’t know what this means. I can’t hear myself speak. My voice is all tangled in the emotional current of my everyday and the obvious answers are dragged into the undertow.
So I humbly ask you, my friends and readers… do you see something obvious that I’m missing? Do you see something I don’t? I’m totally open to suggestions.
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