Nekkid

Sondra took me to Breitenbush for the night to relax and rejuvenate. We planned it a couple of months ago, but it just so happened that with all the drama surrounding Hercules it was perfectly timed for a break from anxiety and stress. It was about a three hour drive through some pretty country on the way toward Bend, then a turnoff onto a dirt road reminiscent of my days in Alaska when you wonder if the road your about to take leads to mug shot on a milk carton. At the end of said dirt road there was a fabulously hippy-ish resort. Sondra said she’d made all the arrangements (whenever she says this I hear Dirty Harry’s voice in my head, “You feelin’ lucky?”)

Breitenbush is a hot spring resort. Powered by geothermal energy and run by hippies I was, at first a little squeamish about the idea of vegetarian meals and “silent areas”. We headed there specifically for the tribal sweat lodge which is held once a month. After getting there and changing and waiting around for an hour for the sweat lodge to start – I was informed that I couldn’t do the lodge because I was on the rag. Bleeding women in a sweat lodge causes bad Indian chief mojo or something and I would screw up the chi. If I had been told I couldn’t sweat because I would likely dehydrate too fast, or pass out or something to that regard I don’t think it would have pissed me off so much – however, as it was, I left the ceremonial area furious and sat near the edge of the river. Rejected for being a girl – again.

Here’s the thing, when I was growing up I was told that a woman’s moon was “unclean”. I was educated to believe that my period was dirty blood, bad energy, disgusting and or an annoyance that men only put up with because there was nothing we could do about it. Anyhoo, I talked with the ceremonial guy later over dinner and he invited me out to the ranch outside Portland where they do sweat lodges and moon lodges so I can try again. I have a lot of thoughts about this – and they are not pleasant. I’ll yap about it all later, maybe. As it was, Sondra and I spent more time hanging out and I fell asleep next to the river and got fried by the sun. Then we went to the sauna and guess what my girl neglected to tell me… the water facilities, tubs, saunas and pools are clothing optional facilities. So –uhm, like a giant nudist colony.

I was totally the odd man out in my bathing suit. Why even wear a bathing suit? Well, after the sweat lodge managed to make me feel all horrifying and disgusting about being female – I had no desire to get naked in front of strangers… on the first day anyway. We hung out at the sauna, wandered the trails ate vegetarian fare and caught up on some much needed girl time. That night I felt fabulous and slept like a rock. The next morning we stumbled into the lodge for breakfast only to discover – they don’t serve coffee. NO COFFEE? WTF? This nearly put me over the edge. They might as well have put up a sign that said, “Welcome to Breitenbush! Please don’t stare at other people’s junk, or ogle the nipples of your best friend. Please feel free to relax in our pools of unshaved bodies and enjoy a scenic nature walk through the woods while your skull gets hammered by a withdrawal migraine – Namaste.” It just so happens that a kindly man in the cafeteria saw my face give way to panic. Being told I can’t participate because I’m a woman and bleeding – that I can get over, but not having coffee on vacation? Someone was about to get bludgeoned with my flowery writing journal. Kindly man brought a stash of coffee and generously shared with Sondra and I – apocalypse averted.

After breakfast and writing and lounging in the sun, we went to the hot tubs again and this time – I got nekkid. It was so liberating. Just letting it all hang out like that. WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO! I was the only person with sensitive piercing and that got a few glances. But the most surprising thing about all of it is… I write erotica. I was a swinger. I should be completely comfortable being naked and being around naked people – but I wasn’t. I actually blushed when I got an “appreciative” look from an older gent, and I spent the better part of my time in the tubs looking everywhere except the naked-fest going on. You know that uncomfortableness when you’re looking away and trying not to look like you’re trying to look away but all you really want to do is look? That was me.

So all in all I had a fabulous time. Mostly because I was just hanging with my girl and chatting and adoring being outside. I would have totally taken pictures of the area for my readers, but once I pulled my camera out to get a shot of the postcard worthy river. There was a glare and it turned out to be four bare asses sunning on the rock right next to my shot – so I quickly packed my camera away before anyone would think I was taking pictures of them in the buff. So, sadly, it wasn’t safe to take the lens cap off almost the whole time I was there. I recommend it though. Breitenbush, the best vacation spot for great vegetarian fare, relaxing environment and beautiful scenery – provided you are not a woman in the middle of her period, like caffeine, enjoy clothing or have an form of OCD.