I sent off for information to a school in New Zealand that has a one year immersion film program. It sounds like two birds with one stone for me. Still not sure what’s going on in my head. One minute I’m absolutely ready to go to LA to pursue the dream of acting and filmmaking and the next I’m having panic attacks and crying because I love Portland so much I just don’t want to leave.
The market here is small. There is a film school in downtown. I love this city and all its weird inhabitants so much – do I love acting and filmmaking more? What are the levels of happiness that I think I can achieve in LA if I’m not fully committed to the work there because my heart is here? Can I expect success in that world – if I’m counting down time for when I can come home and be where the music is?
Yesterday morning I was completely resigned to the knowledge that I would be going to LA in August. – then I stumbled across the school in New Zealand and I got so excited, shaking, sweating and spurts of giggles. I couldn’t wait to send off for information! Then I got home and St. Mary asked if I’d done anything cool at work and I blurted out!
“Ohmygodthere’saschoolinNewZealandforfilm!”
“What about LA?” She asked benignly.
It could be that I’m on the rag, or that I was tired or even hungry – I don’t know – but whatever it was – I burst into tears.
“I don’t want to go to LA!”
St. Mary’s mouth fell open and she stuttered, “Well, you don’t have to – just stay.”
I couldn’t believe I’d just dissolved into a blubbering mess. It was like the truth came out – and of course I couldn’t trust it because one should never make big decisions in the middle of a heavy period. But the question was out – how bad do I really want to be an actress? Do I believe the only way to do film is by going to LA? Can I develop a market here in the city I love with the coolest people ever?
I don’t need to be rich, or famous – I just want to meet my ends doing what I love. Can that be done here? If I go to school for a year in New Zealand, or Vancouver, BC or somewhere similar to Portland in a social scene – can I bring that knowledge back to Stumptown and make it happen?
The goal is to make a living being a storyteller. My medium for acting is film - not theater. My writing can be done anywhere, but most of my characters live near Forest Park and a few live in St. Johns. So, although I can write anywhere, my characters are happiest here – and well, so am I.
So what gives? I can only talk about this shit so much – the rest needs to be action. A choice needs to be firm in my mind so I can make steps. Agh!
10 Comments(+Add)
thought about just going to school here and forcing the system to accept you when you break out big with an original script/acting,film/and directorial debut all at once?
talk about kick assness, that would rock!
You’re Awesome!!
I think Kick assness is a good plan.
woooo-hooo!
In the end, I think it comes down to doing what you truly love to do. Whether that’s as part of your job, or something you do whenever you can.
If you enjoy acting to the point it hurts, and you find theater just isn’t enough, then you should do something about it. But there’s “chasing a dream” and “chasing a pipe dream”. What is it about acting that you love? What is it about doing that activity makes you want to do it again and again? Is it the audience or the fact that you get to tell them a story? Does it matter if you tell one at a time, or thousands or millions via a movie/TV?
Does your story have to be told with gestures and words and looks? Can it be told with words in books and magazines?
Will it be a story someone else has concocted and you’re forced to play (all actors/actresses take roles they’re typically not proud of), or is it the drive to produce something that is YOUR voice and YOUR story? Would you be able to accept playing a role in someone else’s story?
Why NOT go to New Zealand? Why not learn as much as you can about filming, editing, scene selection and on and on and on and producing your own films until you’re noticed for YOUR story and asked to produce YOUR story? Do you have to play the role that tells the story with her voice, or can you tell the story via direction?
It’s not an easy thing you face. It’s not an easy decision you make. In the end, if you’re following your heart and chasing something you know/believe will make you happy…it’s not possible to waste time, it’s not possible to be wrong, and it’s not possible to ever be scared.
My thoughts are with you. Rich or successful or just plain happy (maybe all three?), my thoughts will always be with you.
Found that sex video!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZibYkfAtt2A
Ok..i guess i need to say something obi-wanish….ahem…Anak…I mean Athy, sweetheart, Find inner love and happiness, and it doesnt matter where you live, you will be happy, you will love it. I do not doubt your love for P-town, but i think you use that as an excuse to stay. You can find wierd people anywhere…..I seem to remember this group of …wierdoes…and misfits…they found each other,in a frozen wasteland… tho they were all in different grades, or even out of school. Yet they found each other, would go on adventures, They shared laughter, heartache, bellyache ( a large boulder to the chest courtesy of Jeffy)….mushrooms that an annoying little kender found. One town does not own wierd. If it is your wish to go to New Z, i bet you can find wierd…i bet you can even find hobbits…but first you have to find the courage (which i know you have) to go. A champion (even a tarnished one) knows his Lady, and knows if she will just listen to her little tiny voice, (not the one saying kill, the other one) the one saying..ohh whats that over there…ohh ohh mushrooms….if you have the courage to follow that voice, you will be happy…you will find wierd….hell you might even find a broken down old knight sitting by the road giving fortune cookie advice…so i should go now…
Chadely,
Have I mentioned lately, how much I am in love with you?
Thank you, My Champion, you always know just what to say when I’m lost.
What would I ever do withou– What’s that over there…?
Mushrooms!
XOXO
I could just kiss you
Jeffie-poo, I feel so honored that you thought of me when you found that video and decided to post it. What would I ever do withou…wait, what’s that over there?
Fuck. Just more fucking mushrooms.
Keet,
Those are great questions and I thought about them all night.
I’m going to have to keep thinking about them as I make my choice, but I can say without a doubt that the film medium combined with my love of writing is a part of myself that needs an outlet to find bliss.
I can be happy. I can have fun.
But my Bliss, lies in the ability to find a way to do these two things. And this is, after all, a Bliss Quest – - so, I can’t be a chicken shit about it.
Thank you for all your advice and encouragement.
You are in my thoughts as well. Please remember I’m here.
Many women have loved the Chad….only a couple matter tho, i think you know which you are in my dear. Besides, it has always been my job to help you when you need it most, if its taking a boulder the size of texas to the chest, or a place to lay your head for a nap. And believe me, i know your in my thoughts…hehehe…i dont know why your always wearing that black nightie tho….
Which black nighty? The one with the cleavage top? Or the one with the see-through bottoms? Or the one with the ruffled hem? Or the one with the red shiny bow?
Please be more specific….