Maybe

I didn’t say “yes”.

I didn’t say “no”, either.

I said I’d like to hang out some, and see what happens. 

This is what I’ve come to – When I decide to open that part of me, it will either open slowly and barely noticeable or it will be like a blast door flung wide after a two year barricade.

In the first way, it will likely happen over time, as my level of comfort grows and I become so accustomed to someone and their energy that I don’t even realize that I’ve begun to fall into their life and they into mine – until one day I wake up – and there they are, and no amount of logic or fear or whatever will tempt me to let them go.

In the second way, I expect it could be something akin to a barrel of c4 and a short fuse. I won’t see it coming.  I won’t expect it and therefore I won’t have time to dodge, or talk myself out, or hide.  It will happen with powerful need and sudden alignment and the result will be cataclysmic. 

If it comes in fits and starts – I know myself well enough to know, I’ll have plenty of time to analyze it, pick it apart and apply too much fear and logic.  I know if I see it happening or suspect it to be inevitable, I will likely freak and run away and finish posting my blogs from someplace far far away – like, uhm, New Zealand.

I guess part of it surprised me because I thought, perhaps, since I had shut myself off from finding other people attractive – that no one would then find me attractive, and I could live in that social and open atmosphere that exists when there is no pressure to be liked or likable (if that makes any sense).

Saturday I will be going to the Rose Garden with Thor.  I offered it as a sort of consolation prize in hopes of spending time with him alone and yet public so I can gage how comfortable I am with the concept of taking a friendship to the level of confidante. 

He was the first to come out and ask – so I am going to give it a shot. 

I didn’t say “yes”.

I didn’t say “no”, either.

I said I’d like to hang out some, and see what happens.