Approaching my PNR.  Point of No Return.

I sometimes hit that point when I overextend myself emotionally, mentally or in this case physically. Usually I hit PRN and then realize it too late – but I can feel it in my body it’s time to back off a little.

I called my internship last night and told them I wasn’t coming in.  I turned down a friend that needed a cuddle and I plan on turning some work down as well.  I could still do all these things, but I know – if I hit PRN in the middle of a cuddle, I would end up doing more harm than good. 

I’m tapped. Beyond PRN is a life of going through the motions, and when it becomes that – then there’s no point in doing it.  If you’re too tired to live in the moment, too emotionally exhausted to know how fantastic the adventure is or your mind is stretched too much to accept the details that make up the greater picture… why are you doing it?

Habit. Fear of losing the opportunity. The need to push yourself.  Not wanting to let people down. Etc.

But my stepping back doesn’t actually put anyone in a pinch. Not being emotionally and physically available for friends when they need to cuddle – that’s a pinch, a pinch I don’t like.

I’m going to start cutting back.  This week is pretty full still with some obligations I can’t get out of (and possibly need to re-shoot one of the sex scenes) but the things that can wait- will have to wait.  I need rest, before PRN. I need to take care of myself so I don’t reach a point where others feel the need to take care of me.

Next week.  I will be sitting at my booth at Chance of Rain, drinking something warm and relaxing with peeps.  Next week I’ll be sleeping on the grass in the park or curled up with a good book.

Then the week after that – chaos can resume, and I’ll be ready for it.

As I was pouring a cup of coffee for a gentleman, Tears for Fears came on over the sound system.  He started grooving a little as I pushed the lever on the pump pot, his slightly balding middle-aged head bobbing to Everybody Wants to Rule the World. 

I sighed wistfully, overcome by happy memories and said, “God, I love Tears for Fears.  It takes me way back.” I handed him the cup of coffee and my gaze drifted longingly to the past.

“Really?” He said interested, leaning in to the counter. “Where does it take you?” He sipped tentatively at his too-hot cup.  I could see him sizing me up, wondering if the music took me to a long lost love or perhaps a great traveling adventure.

I looked him in the eye, noting charming crow’s feet around hazel depths and smile lines from years of being amused, and replied “Second grade, actually.”