One of the things I love about my friends, is that I showed up yesterday ready to ask for hugs – and I didn’t need to ask. Erisian simply saw me coming got up and wrapped his arms around me for a long sturdy embrace. It set the tone for the rest of the night and by the time I got home, I felt rejuvenated and full. Did I mention that my friends are awesome? If I didn’t – they are the greatest.
Firefly was fantastic as always. We got in line an hour early and still barely got seats. CowboyJ, a contact through Couchsurfing.com drove four hours from Newport on his way through to Montana and stopped for Firefly. I’d never met him in person before, and I was surprised he walked right up and introduced himself.
I mentioned that I was going to get a scotch for the show and CowboyJ offered to get one for me – I don’t actually recall, perhaps because I’ve only been drinking for a year, a strange man ever buying me alcohol. My friends and acquaintances buy me drinks, or pour me glasses of something frequently – but a strange unknown male buying me liquor is new.
I wasn’t sure what to do so I said, “Sure.” Then as he walked away I promptly went to my friends and started asking if it was normal. I rarely let my friends by dinner, I argue with my family over who pays for coffee and I once told a date if he insisted on picking up my check I wouldn’t go out with him again. So, accepting a liquor drink ended up making me feel pretty weird. Avi, god bless him, explained the social etiquette a little then offered to sit on my other side for the evening so I would feel so vulnerable. Did I mention I love my friends?
So CowboyJ returned and sat next to me and he’s a sturdy guy so his shoulder was pressed against mine through the whole show. It was unfamiliar feeling the heat coming off in waves, I put my feet up on the ledge and tried not to notice – but after a while I would realize my body was shaking with tension as I was trying to hold the majority of my legs and upper body away from him.
After the show I wasn’t drunk or even tipsy really, but I still wasn’t ready to drive so I decided to go for a walk and Avi offered to go with me but his ride was leaving. I knew he was being a gentleman and wanted to look out for me but I assured him I was fine. Thank you Avi.
CowboyJ walked around town with me and we went to a 1 am breakfast where I got a juice and we chatted. He’s sweet and interesting but obviously from Montana. He said a couple of things though, that made me start to wonder about myself, perhaps observations from a stranger who knows nothing really of my background or the history of my choices is something to reflect on. I’ll think about it.
As he left I got the impression that if I’d have asked him to stay – he would have. So I didn’t ask – because – well, I wanted to, but not on the right levels or for the right reasons. I haven’t worked it all out yet.
Anyway, the interesting thing is, that since I’ve done the sex scenes – I’ve been noticing men more. I’ve been crushing big time and venturing further out of my bubble and thinking about possibilities.
I think, even though it’s easier to let a strange man spank me or a stranger buy me a drink than it is to ask people I know for a hug – something is shifting. The scale feels like it’s moving, in a good way. A scary way. Getting closer to balance. Closer to equalizing as a whole person – with boundaries and affection and still becoming open to experiencing love in all its forms – flaws and glory.
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yay! I am glad things are shifting..told you once you got a hint of things you’d open up to noticing people again…i guess it just came in an unexpected package *laughs*
in honour of that..here’s another poem in an odd tone for you.
–COOKIES–
I’ve been baking cookies for you.
for when you return.
There’s getting to be rather a lot of them.
stacked along the counters,
in little lines on the mantle.
Under the carpets,
and piled next to the books on the shelves.
Neatly arranged along the couch cushions,
and filed in tidy rows upon the floor.
They’re collecting in the drainpipes along the roof,
and spilling out of cabinets.
I often wonder that maybe, they might be getting a bit out of hand.
But I wanted to be ready.
for when you come back.
I wanted to be prepared.
So I’ll just keep on.
And I’ll admit,
I’m awfully looking forward to your return.
For it’s getting a little difficult.
This buisness of finding somewhere left to sit.
“Obviously from Montana”, LOL are us Montanan’s that easy to recognize heee?
Makes me hope I don’t sound like a hick and smell like hay mixed with cow dung. ROFLMAO
Luv ya
Meg, I fucking love your poems.
They make me so happy, and deliciously centered.
You, my dear, are a brilliant poetess and I worship you
Jessie, Sweety, you are not Obviously from Montana.
*Hug* But I forgive you for living with the weirdos. Someone has to keep the balance there:)
You are my Alaskan friend and always will seem that way to me.
The only thing I hold against you…is your Utahness
ah see u totally didn’t spend enough time in SLC there are lots of weirdos cough normal people here and they all work at Convergys with me I swear. It’s like being at home
Surrounded by people with extreme piercings, multi colored hair, gay, bi, straight, it’s got all kinds of peeps. I had a great slogan for an essence of Montana perfume I was going to mass produce along with the coochi cream!!! Darn plans foiled. :p