This is why it is probably very prudent that I didn’t move to LA to become an actress right away. I have no buffer on my mouth when something offends me.  For example:

After playing merry-go-phone with a guy who is looking for an actress for a few hours. We talk about getting together and so on in the Portland fashion of coffee shops and such to do an audition.

During one particular re-schedule, I say “Well, actually I’m on my way to Backspace right now if you want to meet there.”

“What is that?” He asked.

“It’s a coffee shop with computers and stuff.”

“Oh,” he said heavily. “So it’s some sort of place for Dorks to hang out?”

I paused, then ladled, “Yeah, well, you know what – we seem to not be able to agree on a good time and place so let’s just call it good.  If you have projects in the future feel free to keep me in mind.”

“No- wait, I can be there in an hour.”

I really didn’t think he’d show.  But as I sat there with my coffee he came walking in. Huh. He totally got points for showing. Then he tried to back-peddle and just made it worse. And worse. And worse.

Till at one point as I nodded along thinking “WTF?” He waved vague area of the computers loaded with gamers and said something about it being like a drug and that was enough.

“Stop right there,” I said holding a hand up. “You bag on those people then you’re bagging on me.  Those are my peeps and if you offend them then you’ve offended me and I. Will. Kick. Your. Ass.”

He stared for a second as I changed my voice and happily said. “So. Let me see this part, if you don’t mind. Let’s get on with it.”

I read for the part and at the back of my mind all I could think of was, “That’s exactly why you’re not in LA, Athena.” You are not built to let that shit roll. You don’t have enough desire to be an actress to play along with people who, statistically speaking, are not the most open-minded and creative individuals. They are there for cash flow and you are there for love of story. If a major Hollywood producer was bashing my Geek nation, would I have still stood up? I hope so. But that would also likely mean not getting the part. Would I still have done it then? Honestly, I don’t think so. And would that have compromised my sense of self, then my sense of voice? Who knows the ideas are endless.

But one thing’s for sure. In Portland, non-geeks are the minority. In Portland, we are relaxed and creative and open-minded… so the film industry should respect that, me thinks. Furthermore, as a producer or a film-maker – it’s never a good idea to piss off the majority and an even worse idea to piss off the help that you don’t intend to pay.

I’d be really surprised if he calls me back. 

So, uhm, yeah – perhaps a good example of why I made a good call to stick it out here and make myself a part of the Portland film industry while it’s still young and flexible and ripe with creativity.

I stayed home from work today, not feeling well.  Although I have to be honest and say a stomach ache and fatigue are not that big of a deal – I could have worked through it – but the really alarming thing is the emotional turbulence.  Heartsick.

I can’t explain it, really. I’m pretty good, I think, at managing my own needs and drama and when it looks like my emotional output is going to be a burden to anyone, I usually just cave until I get it under control. The last thing I want is someone else, who is perhaps not aware of it, thinking they need to take care of my baggage or help me with my emo moments.  I can do it, I want to do it – but damn, I got home after work yesterday after keeping it in and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed.  Snot and tears and mascara all over my work slacks.

I understand it’s alarming for people to know I cry – but allow me to clarify that crying is my way of keeping balance.  Most people I know wouldn’t let themselves cry unless they just had an arm ripped off, and even still they’d call themselves a pussy for getting weepy over a stupid arm.

I’m obviously not of that school of thought. I prefer to let it out as soon as it comes up, get my cortisone rush and a few endorphins and then when it subsides – make a plan for how to take care of it.

Hence the day off. I woke up this morning and knew it wasn’t over, so I packed up my wooby and some treats and came to Chance of Rain where I’m cuddled into a booth with my blanket and a dopio and my gear. Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow the job hunt stress will be over one way or another. Tomorrow I will know what to do about my living space troubles. Tomorrow I will know what my heart wants in the way of love. Tomorrow I will understand what my future better.

Today. I will nurture myself with good coffee, friends, my favorite blanket and some delicious food – and a note book to help me plot my next adventure. I am not a pussy for crying. I am prudent for taking care of the problem before it moves from my heart to my body wherein – then I’d really be in trouble. Today is a healing day.