At work on Friday I started thinking about my poker game, and the fact that I live the way I play – cautious. I also started to think about Nick a lot. Now, here’s the thing, I do tend to consider my actions mostly logically based, and my thoughts of Nick have no logical grounding. None. I guess that’s what crushes are, right?
Thank god he doesn’t read my blog. So anyway, I thought that if I could only process it verbally that perhaps someone could find a connection that I’d missed and point it out so I could let those distracting thoughts of him slip from my mind. I wondered if it might be the holidays and I was just aching for someone, I wondered if it’s that I don’t actually know him and want to get to know him better – whatever.
As I started to tell people about it I would start off with – “I don’t know why I like him he’s polar opposite of everything I am. We have nothing in common. He’s too pretty for his own good. I swore I would never ask him out. He’s just a kid still. He’s not my type. He’s too aloof.”
Then I looked back through my entries and realized – I’d been blogging about him an awful lot, even when I thought I wasn’t. As I read one particular blog I said aloud, “Me thinks I doth protest too much.” There’s a trigger here that needs to be unwired. So I admitted – grudgingly – that I was hooked and needed to do something to unhook myself.
BeautifulGeek asked me, “Why don’t you ask him out? What’s the worst case scenario?”
I sighed, “Actually, worst case scenario is he says yes.”
So I explained, there are a few people in my patterns that resemble this feeling toward Nick. I like it and I hate it – but I do recognize that it is a certain personality or energy that has the ability to alter my perceptions. They are a learning curve. A threat to the way I think things are, and damnit! I’m just now starting to make sense of things, and people who can challenge that are scary as hell to me. In the past, my pattern has been to run away – as fast as possible. With the exception of one man I embraced and he changed the way I thought about everything – and I do mean everything. Nick scares the shit out of me, not because he’s gorgeous – but because – I recognize the undercurrent that any dealings with him will in all probability – change me in significant ways. Ways I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept. I don’t even know if those ways are good or bad yet, but the knowledge that it is there….
Anywhoo, as I was driving home Friday, I decided the thing that irritated me most about the whole situation was that I wasn’t brave enough to risk it, in true pansy fashion I was not making the bet, not putting anything on the line. I don’t want to live cautiously because I’m afraid of being changed. I want to be the balls out better that wins or loses big.
So I stopped at the café on the way home to ask him out. He wasn’t there. Then I went for breakfast Saturday morning – so I could ask him out. He wasn’t there. My courage was beginning to flag but I needed conclusion so I could tell myself – I am not a coward. I will bet big, throw my cards on the table and see what hits.
Finally, I got dressed up to go out last night, and stopped by the café one last time. He was sweeping the floor for closing and as I came in he offered to make me something even though he was closing. I declined and stood at the counter while he bustled.
“Nick, I gotta ask… do you have a girlfriend?”
He shook his head, “Mm, no…”
“Do you wanna go out?” I asked suddenly calm and feeling a power shift.
“Go where?” he wondered, the bustling slowing to a halt.
“I dunno.” I shrugged, “Just out.”
“You mean like a date?”
“Yeah.” I smiled.
“Dating isn’t really my thing. It’s not really my style. But I’d be up for going out for a drink sometime.” He said and watched my response. (translation: a non-romantic friends hang out)
“Okay.” I shrugged and grinned.
“I’ve been single for a year now and I’m just getting hang of it. But I wouldn’t mind a drink.”
“I can understand that. I was single for two years and loved it. Well, me and LaraPirate are headed to play pool, you’re welcome to join us later if you want. Have a great night.”
I left with a shitty grin. I’ve never in my life felt so relieved to be shot down. Apocalypse averted! I played my hand and it felt good. I felt confident and back in control and as I walked to the pool hall, I couldn’t help but feel lighter for the trying.
I am not a coward. I am not a chip bleeder. I made a call and I was okay with how it turned out.
He never showed for pool even though most of his friends were there. I suspect he’ll be uncomfortable around me for awhile, afraid to give me attention for fear I’ll mistake it as a chance. That’s okay, I am just twisted enough to find that sort of hesitation amusing.
I feel right again. What ever the power struggle was in my mind has been balanced.
The only disturbing thing remaining is the frustrating realization that as I am waking up, as my sleeping parts, and wants are coming alive again – I’m developing the awareness that so much more responsibility for my happiness – especially where men are concerned- so much more responsibility is there, than I was ever aware of before.
Recent Comments