I’m just going to say it. Not sure exactly why I’m always so hesitant to vocalize it, or why I think it matters – but I want to work on Supernatural. There. I said it.
I keep running into this backlash of thought wherein I tell myself that it’s too arrogant or presumptuous to want this. Then I have to remember, anyone with the storyteller streak who has a favorite show/movie/book etc. has probably fantasized about being a part of that story by writing/acting/producing the adventure that stirs within them, some sort of passion.
It’s not wrong. It’s not arrogant to want to be a part of the adventure, anymore than it’s arrogant to want to be picked for the kickball team in fifth grade.
Something excites me and I want to be a part of it. Why is that so hard to admit? Perhaps it’s the admission that brings up fears of unworthiness, of failure or even the fear that I would have to adopt a lifestyle I claim to abhor by charging full-steam ahead to a world that functions very differently than Portland. I have a niche here, but still long for a life less ordinary. I still long to get lost in my fantasy worlds and take readers with me. I still want to be more than a desk jockey or a cubicle hermit.
I’m afraid to actually let myself date or even consider something serious with a beautiful man, because something inside me still wants to fly – and I can’t seem to reconcile the idea that if I fall for someone it won’t hold me back from the next great adventure.
It’s coming back to fear again.
Fear of asking for too much.
Fear of not living up to my potential.
Fear of letting myself get caught in a rut.
Fear of failure.
That’s a lot of fear – and I don’t want to live my life with fear making my choices. Where is my Bliss? I seem to have lost track of it in the last few months. I set it down to pick something up and my clarity vanished. I can’t hear my own song. I’ve fallen out of my own body – not comfortable in my skin suddenly. I know I haven’t strayed too far because there are good people around me and they’d never let that happen.
If you’ve seen it, my misplaced bliss, would you let me know? Maybe it’s tucked behind my ear like a forgotten pen or it got dropped on the floor or the jeep. If you see it, would you mind pointing it out because I’m probably looking right at it and I just don’t recognize it….
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“I’m afraid to actually let myself date or even consider something serious with a beautiful man, because something inside me still wants to fly – and I can’t seem to reconcile the idea that if I fall for someone it won’t hold me back from the next great adventure.”
Yes! Thats it, you have put into words what I have trying to explain to myself for some time now. THANK YOU!
~Lara
Gawd, I can relate to this post on so many levels. Thank you for being you, and for being honest.
A few years ago, a local radio station in Seattle (KZOK for anyone who’s lived here
) had a contest to give someone a walk-on role in Star Trek: Enterprise. One of the entries was an elementary school teacher.
Every year, she would have her students make lists of things they wanted to do someday. They had to be possible (as in no “i want to be a unicorn!”) but that was about the only limit. Every year she would make her own list, and one of the things she always put in was “be on Star Trek”…and every year her students would protest and say she shouldn’t put that because it “wasn’t possible.”
Needless to say, she won the contest and got a walk-on role in an episode of Star Trek…so she was able to cross one thing off her list.
I’d give you the moral to that little story, but you’re a smart girl, you’ve probably figured it out already
I love the story Epiphany told! And I agree completely.
You know, what you said about liking something and wanting to be a part of it, and how it’s probably something everyone has experienced…it’s true. I love Supernatural. I have entire daydreams where I’m in the show. I loved Firefly. I would have LOVED being able to be a part of it. Any movie or book or TV show I’ve ever liked, I’ve wanted to be a part of. Well, there are exceptions when it comes to horror movies and disaster movies and such. But you get the point.
There is absolutely no harm in wanting something. And if you want it bad enough, who knows? You may just get it. *hugs*
Looking for your bliss, eh? Like a pen you forgot was in your hat? How about the bugar on your upper lip that no one tells you about for hours? Or when you sit on the remote and then can’t find it when all along it’s wedged in your ass?
Who says you can’t work on Supernatural from here in Portland? Usually they have teams of writers working on shows like that. Maybe they could send you a version of the script and you adjust it. Maybe you send in the skeleton of a script with the plot and let them fill in the meat. Maybe you could call them while they’re debating how the show should go and you can give your input directly in the making of the script.
You know, something inside me still wants to fly too. I told that to Phaedra and she gives me all this pep talk but then called me crazy for going skydiving. Moral of the story: if you want to fly, then go crazy. I’ll go hang-gliding.
And by the way, I found your bliss. It’s wedged in your ass.
I think a first step would be contacting the show and asking for a copy of their writer’s guidelines, if any. Lots of shows put together packages like that and make them available. Then, y’know, try writing an episode and submitting it. Or do some research into who you would contact to submit a script to the show. Or… y’know… try something, anything. Just take the first step.
Wanting something is good. But taking steps towards getting it is better.
But you might want to wait until after the conglomerates finish spiting the Writer’s Guild.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” – Frank Herbert, Dune series
Lara we should talk about that some more over coffee.
Thank you erraberra
Epiphany,
I don’t know what to say. I read your comment late last night and burst into tears. Like a damn release of waterworks. I sobbed.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for that story. It was perfect. PERFECT.
Thank you for sharing it. I get the moral – and you are Fabulous!
XOXO
Nelli, as a fellow fan of the show we both adore… would you mind reading the episode I wrote and letting me know if it fits the character arcs?
I’d really appreciate it
Admiral Fubar,
Nex time we hang out – I will have to kick you in your shin.
Brian,
I agree, making steps toward what you want is way better than just wanting it. I think it’s time for a plan.
Also, you quoted Dune… I think I will have to squish you now. Such a perfect and well timed quote.
Thanks
Awwwww *hugs* I’ve been very touched in the past by some things I’ve read here, so I’m glad to return the favor!
Is Admiral Fubar going to come and beat me up now for making you cry? *hides*
Or better yet…
*climbs up a ladder*
Are you freaking kidding me? Of COURSE I want to read it! GIMME GIMME GIMME!
*hugs* I get that. its winter honey, don’t let the depth of that be underestimated, but don’t let it be an excuse either.
and hey, I want to work for joss whedon, I couldn’t even do film acting if i tried but i still want to.
and don’t be afraid of it holding you back, its hard, but it can be more free than that..I’m staring down the barrell of bunny wandering the country aimlessly starting next summer and me not being able to go with, but I’m still gonna cherish every moment we are here together in this place..
Thanks Megan
XOXO!