Something has to give

I talked to Editorextraordinaire this morning about a new project.  Still non-fiction, but a step in the direction of Plan A.  My call to her was prompted by two events.

The first: I was called into BossMan’s office yesterday to have him talk to me about my “infection” of the people at my office. While he articulated it poorly, and used phrases that were offensive on many levels, I get what he is meaning to say.

I’m unhappy there and even though I’ve never shown my unhappiness to the student – who is the customer, I know my manager sees it. BossMan said, “You lack enthusiasm, and it’s dragging other people down.”

Most of his comments paralleled the scene in Office Space when the Manager is telling Jennifer Aniston – she needs more pieces of flair. So I could let most of what he said and how badly he said it roll off. But the fact remains that it is true. I’m not happy there. I’d rather be writing. I left his office and sat under my desk to cry, because I really thought I was getting good at my job and it was a surprise that no one called me on the “problem” before I was chastised by the Boss. I lack enthusiasm. There is no denying that.

The second thing: I got back to my office to find an email from a reader on my blog.  So beautifully stated, so powerfully timed. He simply said things I needed to hear right at that moment. And finished with “I really think you’re onto something with your writing and where it’s going, and I think you should keep it up.”

He wasn’t a comment writer.  I’d never seen his name on the blog before. He was a stranger, and the stranger spoke words that my spirit desperately needed. His letter was a monsoon into my desert and I cried so much yesterday out of happiness and sadness that I went to bed with a sob hangover.

So I called my editor this morning to ask if I’m ever going to get paid for Ghosts of Seattle, and I also asked, if they have any projects  – and wouldn’t you know it – they have one almost tailor made for me. So I’ll write my proposal ideas this weekend and fire them off and we’ll see if I won’t be doing book two for Schiffer Publishing. This project is something I can do with “enthusiasm” I wont need to fake it. I won’t have to pretend.  I won’t have to buffer bad management and outmoded techniques to salvage a “goal” chosen by someone from the top who has no concept of the bottom. I won’t need to wear extra pieces of flair to have someone think I’m efficient.

I knew being an FAA was a job and not a career.  I knew that. But yesterday woke me up from the sleepy rhythm I’d let myself fall in to.

And Something’s gotta give.