I talked to someone from the LoveQuest last night. We talked for three hours and I went to bed smiling. Then woke up conflicted.
He was fun and conversation flowed but things I take for granted I felt like I had to explain a lot. I never felt defensive – but I definitely felt the need to clarify and in doing so – also feel like I gave away more information about myself than I was entirely ready for.
I don’t like to talk about my mother to anyone – and yet I did. I don’t like to tell men I may be interested in about my marriage or divorce, and yet I did. These things don’t belong in a beginning friendship. They are heavy back-story, like what a writer needs to know about a character that makes them who they are – and yet the reader only ever really needs to see the end result. The work and the evolution can come out later – but it shouldn’t be exposition in the story until the story is established. And there I was telling the back-story.
Maybe I’m sensitive to it because I’m so turned off by things that are put on the table in a way that feels like “here is my expectation of your behavior” such as some of the emails I have gotten from others with explanations such as: “Are you sexual? None of my girlfriends could keep up with me sexually.” “I was trapped with a person who was very negative.”
I guess I feel like those sentences are need to know basis and because someone though I needed to know it – they are also, to some degree expecting me to be different than what they have previously experienced, or to work around their expectation.
I’m irritated with myself because even though I have no expectations of anyone else’s behavior – I was putting information in the open that I don’t actually think is in his need to know category.
He asked about my marriage and divorce and as I was telling the short version I got to the “then we became swingers” part and the story was interrupted with “WHAT?!” followed by laughter. Not bad laughter but surprised laughter that turned into conversation about the lifestyle.
When I think of that time period of my life it’s in a very matter-of-fact sort of way. It happened and was interesting and I moved on. Tada. End of story. It’s not a point of interest to me other than the fact that it was a catalyst for my divorce. End of story.
So when it catches people off guard and they want to know about it or they are shocked, or even if it’s just curiosity – I’m always a little irritated and think “If I just didn’t tell the divorce story I could avoid this whole sand trap. Stop fucking telling anyone that you used to be married. Then they wont want to know about why it didn’t work and you wont have to explain that you tried on a polyamourus lifestyle!”
To me it’s like mentioning that I used to have blonde hair or that I wore braces. It just is a part of the old story. So I find myself at that crux wherein I feel like one of those people that give away too much info that everyone else doesn’t need to know or hasn’t earned the right to know and I’m left feeling icky. Not ashamed or regretful, but exhausted like I just tried to swim through tar.
I honestly don’t think he had any judgment about it but the fact that I couldn’t sail through that point of interest without getting snagged brought up an uncomfortableness and I tried to talk my way around it with more back-story and more information. Which in my mind just made it worse.
By the time I crawled into bed after a three hour phone conversation. I honestly had enjoyed talking with him, but felt kind of exposed and a little dirty.
I don’t know why. I honestly have no idea.
He didn’t make me feel that way – it’s something there that I need to deal with by myself.
I was a swinger. I write erotic fiction. I went to the naked bike ride this year. I am non-vanilla and I’ve made peace with those things. I like my body and I don’t have hang-ups or judgments about sex.
So why do I feel the need to explain that – AT ALL? Why does it even need to be a point of interest? Why do I feel compelled to include that in my story? Why can’t I just gloss over the questions?
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