I talked to someone from the LoveQuest last night. We talked for three hours and I went to bed smiling. Then woke up conflicted.
He was fun and conversation flowed but things I take for granted I felt like I had to explain a lot. I never felt defensive – but I definitely felt the need to clarify and in doing so – also feel like I gave away more information about myself than I was entirely ready for.
I don’t like to talk about my mother to anyone – and yet I did. I don’t like to tell men I may be interested in about my marriage or divorce, and yet I did. These things don’t belong in a beginning friendship. They are heavy back-story, like what a writer needs to know about a character that makes them who they are – and yet the reader only ever really needs to see the end result. The work and the evolution can come out later – but it shouldn’t be exposition in the story until the story is established. And there I was telling the back-story.
Maybe I’m sensitive to it because I’m so turned off by things that are put on the table in a way that feels like “here is my expectation of your behavior” such as some of the emails I have gotten from others with explanations such as: “Are you sexual? None of my girlfriends could keep up with me sexually.” “I was trapped with a person who was very negative.”
I guess I feel like those sentences are need to know basis and because someone though I needed to know it – they are also, to some degree expecting me to be different than what they have previously experienced, or to work around their expectation.
I’m irritated with myself because even though I have no expectations of anyone else’s behavior – I was putting information in the open that I don’t actually think is in his need to know category.
He asked about my marriage and divorce and as I was telling the short version I got to the “then we became swingers” part and the story was interrupted with “WHAT?!” followed by laughter. Not bad laughter but surprised laughter that turned into conversation about the lifestyle.
When I think of that time period of my life it’s in a very matter-of-fact sort of way. It happened and was interesting and I moved on. Tada. End of story. It’s not a point of interest to me other than the fact that it was a catalyst for my divorce. End of story.
So when it catches people off guard and they want to know about it or they are shocked, or even if it’s just curiosity – I’m always a little irritated and think “If I just didn’t tell the divorce story I could avoid this whole sand trap. Stop fucking telling anyone that you used to be married. Then they wont want to know about why it didn’t work and you wont have to explain that you tried on a polyamourus lifestyle!”
To me it’s like mentioning that I used to have blonde hair or that I wore braces. It just is a part of the old story. So I find myself at that crux wherein I feel like one of those people that give away too much info that everyone else doesn’t need to know or hasn’t earned the right to know and I’m left feeling icky. Not ashamed or regretful, but exhausted like I just tried to swim through tar.
I honestly don’t think he had any judgment about it but the fact that I couldn’t sail through that point of interest without getting snagged brought up an uncomfortableness and I tried to talk my way around it with more back-story and more information. Which in my mind just made it worse.
By the time I crawled into bed after a three hour phone conversation. I honestly had enjoyed talking with him, but felt kind of exposed and a little dirty.
I don’t know why. I honestly have no idea.
He didn’t make me feel that way – it’s something there that I need to deal with by myself.
I was a swinger. I write erotic fiction. I went to the naked bike ride this year. I am non-vanilla and I’ve made peace with those things. I like my body and I don’t have hang-ups or judgments about sex.
So why do I feel the need to explain that – AT ALL? Why does it even need to be a point of interest? Why do I feel compelled to include that in my story? Why can’t I just gloss over the questions?
8 Comments(+Add)
i think that maybe these things come up in response to your ad because the people reading the ad may have a different idea of what it is for than you do. They may be out there trawling the internet in search of true love, in search of a life partner, and whether it is wise or not, many people when searching for that don’t feel the need to take it as slow as a regular friendship. Because they know they are looking for romance, they feel the need (or just are comfy with) asking very personal questions, or looking for back story in the effort to weed out those who have elements that they know they don’t want. They go for the backstory to be able to say “okay, she isn’t vanilla, that’s not what I want” or “swinger? no, I can’t deal with that having been in her past” or even “ooh..so she does have these qualities I want, but has a past with her mother I’ll have to look out for and be sensitive to.”
I think many people look at the internet dating/talking arena as a short-cut(whether you are or not, or whether they should be or not), so they get into those areas right away.
This probably isn’t what you are looking for, you are more comfortable treating it like a meeting place like any other, and proceeding at a normal friendship building rate, but they may not be expecting that.
so it may come down to the question of “what are they looking for and is this conversation indicative of that?” than “why do i feel compelled to include that in my story?” they could be pulling it out of you through their energy perhaps?
I can totally relate to this post, as I have been “accused” of sharing too much too soon to far too many people. However, why can’t that be a GOOD thing? Isn’t it a matter of perspective? This is me…this is my story…it’s made me who I am today. Some I may regret, some I may not…maybe I don’t regret any of it because it made me who I am, and I love who I am, dammit! Insecurities and all!
I think one of the BEST parts about me is that I share way too much too soon, and expose myself to people. If they accept me, great…hopefully they’ll stick around. If they don’t…buh-bye.
What do you think?
Hey Megan
I think you’re right that the online dating sort of rushes the dance. There is not chemistry test when talking to someone by email a thousand miles away. So I think it’s easy for people to try breaking it down faster to see if it’s even worth the time.
That being said, I did find that he was so easy to talk to – I’m not sure if it was an energy that was pulling but for sure I was very relaxed and chatty.
You know – like usual.
Damn me and my blabber! Doh!
Hi Erraberra!
I do think it’s good to put things on the table. I agree that people either accept us for who we are or move on.
But I do think that sometimes – tmi can be off-putting not because it’s scarey or bad information – but because it feels like a self management thing.
I don’t want it to seem like I can’t manage myself or my backstory. I don’t know if that makes sense…
I’m just hyper aware of what I’m putting out on a daily basis with my blog. I can edit it or not – but when I’m talking and it rolls out that fast – - I don’t know.
I’m chasing my tail right now even as I try to write a response.
ugh.
As I remember that particular topic of conversation coming up the second time we talked, I’m curious whether or not you felt uncomfortable at that point. I certainly didn’t get that impression at the time. Admittedly, I already knew some of your back story from reading your blog, so it wasn’t a complete shock.
Also, I agree that getting into details early on isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Personally I tend to like it if that happens because I feel less need to calculate when it comes to sharing myself. With that said, I can certainly understand why it might make you feel uncomfortable.
Athena, you know I love you…but sometimes I just wish there was a way to turn off your brain. Or…you know, most of it, for a little while.
Take a breath…now let it out again. Breathing is good. Now quit freaking out! You talked for hours, you went to bed smiling…and now you’re overthinking things.
The Bliss Quest (and by extention the Love Quest) is not about looking back with regret, am I right? It’s about looking forward. If you feel like you shared too much information, just keep that in mind next time. Remember, it’s okay to say “I’m really not comfortable talking about it”…most people will understand, and if they don’t then they’re probably not worth the time it takes to talk to them.
*hugs*
Jordan, I don’t remember being uncomfortable talking to you about it. I think you are just naturally a non-judgemental person that puts people at ease with how open you are.
Plus I think there’s something to be said for talking to someone in person about such things because there is the ability to read the reaction better or find a way to shift the topic when the energy changes.
You are adorable and I loved talking with you
Epiphany!
I get such a kick out of people telling me I overthink, because so frequently I get other people who claim I didn’t think about it at all and just reacted on emotion! If only I could find a happy balance.
You are right of course, I think people would understand if I asked to keep things private. I will give it a try next time
Thanks Epiphany
*hugs right back atcha*