There is a Pain-in-my-ass. The last year that I’ve occasionally been coming into contact with him – we alternately are civil and combustible around one another. I can tell he is uncomfortable around me which tends to make me tiptoe or second guess what I say because – well, he seems so fragile compared to my Bull in the China shop approach to living.
His fragility is a false conception, as truly he’s just a scared man with so many insecurities that he seems to psych himself out with his own shadow – but on the occasion that he is in his element – he is truly unstoppable. A marvel to watch and a wonder to admire. Yin and Yang. He is in himself – both halves of a coin and I have yet to see him centered.
Ultimately, we end up in a space together and it becomes a challenge because I oscillate between the need to scratch and hiss at him – and pin him against the wall and have my way with his beautiful self. I think he picks up on something which adds to his uncomfortableness and he challenges me verbally and the game is on. Who’s on top and I simply can’t let myself back down to him. I will not let him have me – or out maneuver me –or win any part of me. Therein rests the problem. By my very own admission of how hard I fight to stay ahead – it has been consuming my thoughts and therefore, purely by default, he has the edge. He has the edge and I don’t think he actually wants it. He’s not in to me and not attracted to me.
He freaks me out.
I freak him out.
There doesn’t seem to be a way to win. So I backed out of his social area. Removed myself entirely from the hang-outs where I knew I might accidentally bump into him – then, my friends come over and before I know it, my social circle is a degree of separation from his and they bring his energy, his conflict and his neuroses into my life.
One night last week after ranting to myself all day about it – it hit me with a sense of sickening dread. I’m attracted to him. By opening myself to the Universe for the LoveQuest, I have also opened up something that I don’t understand and don’t remember how to use. Sexual tension.
Someone said, “Just fuck him and get it over with.” And the earth shifted a little in panic, because up until that moment I thought I was secured safely behind my glass wall of not having a solid physical or emotional response to anyone. I thought I was – or at least I had convinced myself that I was unmovable.
This is good and bad. The good thing is that I am obviously not dead to the response anymore. It’s good that I am aware of the need again and that my chemicals are alive and kicking.
The bad news is it just so happens that it’s the Pain-in-my-ass – he’s a totally inappropriate choice for me and I know it.
So I called Meme for a logic check. As I started to tell her about him she laughed hysterically at my frustration and pointed out the same dynamic I had with JT when I was 15. We’d fight like mad then run off to a corner and make out like there was no tomorrow. We were even pulled apart by teachers in the hall before we started throwing punches and two days later were all over each other in the back of a coffee shop.
Ridiculously, the Pain-in-my-ass is so much like JT from the way he talks, walks and acts that I find myself responding to him like I’ve known him in this role for years.
Finally, in a fit of desperation I asked for advice. I needed perspective. I’m too old to have some little punk messing with my social circle, fogging my thoughts and raising my blood pressure.
I don’t know how to shut it off so I can go about having a normal conversation with other men. I don’t know how to block his energy from seeping into my space now that I’ve been consciously trying to open my mind to love again. Now that I’ve been working to be in a receiving place – I don’t know how to be more protective without closing right back down again.
It’s like once I opened to the Universe it fucking let in all the riff-raff and now I’m starting to panic and I want to get back to a safe place of inner silence. I want my control back. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds but – there it is. I want my equilibrium so I can find a healthy co-operative partnership.
My options are thus:
a) Keep fighting the good fight.
b) Try to remove myself from the equation even more
c) Try to manipulate the situation to my advantage.
d) Let go, and extend the olive branch
I’m not much into manipulation. It makes me feel icky and gross. I’m getting too tired to fight anymore now that I’m aware of what I’ve been struggling against. Removing myself from the equation only works if my friends and social circle will help me keep him out.
So the only solution I really see is to let go. Take a deep breath and let it out, then extend the hand of friendship that is sincere and void of any expectations.
Then just go where the Universe flows.
11 Comments(+Add)
It may not be your only solution, but it does seem to me like the only one that would really work for you. Given time, the infatuation will die, or things will just fade to the point where it wont matter anymore. The other options, in my opinion are simply a waste of energy that could be spent very constructivly elsewhere. Use it to help you.
If it helps any, I had a similar situation many years ago. But, in this case, the person he reminded me of was my brother. This may not seem like a big deal, but think about it. Here is this nice quiet guy that I have just met and I am responding to him with all the vim and vigor of a little sister who has finally grown up and gotten her teeth. I liked him well enough, but I was merciless! This went of for a few months with the poor guy being utterly baffled. I finally figured out what was going on and had a very frank conversation with him. After that we were able to move on and become very good friends.
So, maybe you are attracted to this guy, or maybe you are reliving the attraction you had for JT and just taking it out on this guy. Anyway, perhaps you could extend the olive branch by telling him that he reminds you of someone who you used to fight with a lot.
i think letting go is the best answer as well. I am skeptical about the olive branch, but that’s just because I’ve watched this person really mess with many of my friends’ heads and I hate to let him “win”…*laughs* but it honestly is probably the best solution. and hey, if he doesn’t take said branch or he uses it to manipulate you, I just have good reason to kill him….*smirk* nah..I like him for what he is, but it took a long time and there’s still rancor there, so I understand your position..
Well, yeah. If this guy is just a manipulative bastard then you could use said branch to hit him in the head.
Then again, maybe telling him that all of this weird tension has nothing to do with him, that he is just a pale reminder of someone else, will take away some of his perceived power… giving him less leverage for manipulation.
Hey Meg
Admittedly he’s a manipulator. Maybe I’m already too caught up in it to see, but I honestly believe that 90% of it is unintentional. That doesn’t excuse the unawareness of it – but I don’t think it does it to be cruel. I just think he’s scared.
I do understand your rancor though, you are much closer to it than I am.
Mona! How are you Darling!
I agree that it could very well be leftover from JT. I also agree that by telling him so – it would likely take away a great deal of his leverage.
It’s still very tempting to think about braining him with said olive branch though
PS: I’ve missed you. I hope you are doing well!
You know why people like roller-coaster relationships and can’t live without them? Because even though the lows seem really low, the highs seem really high and they experience something at those highs that people like me don’t see very often – even though I might have similar high experiences.
Maybe you just need the roller coaster.
And if that doesn’t help, try working graveyard. It kills your sex drive for a few weeks.
But if things aren’t compatible with this dude, then things just aren’t compatible. Find someone else to ride the roller coaster with. Even though it might cost more energy, you might also get more energy out of it than you’re putting into it. After all, you are screaming with your hands in the air at the top of the Colossus.
Admiral Fubar,
Have I told you lately how brilliant you are?
You are amazing
oh, I totally agree that most of it is unintentional..at least, most of the non-female oriented stuff, and probably at least two thirds of the female stuff too! I just think that at a certain point, you have to stop being sixteen and become a little more self aware..or you will start pushing people away. And ultimately, its his life and his choice to stay that way and let fear rule him, but its also my choice to interact with him in places where our overlap is positive to me, and limit my interaction when its not..
that’s all I meant by that…well, that and being snarky about killing..sometimes your bloodlust just slips out *grins* you know all about that I”m sure.
woah..go Fubar..that was just the best explination I’ve heard of that in a long time!! I like the idea that the rollercoaster isn’t the problem, you just need the right partner, the one you can scream and laugh and wave your arms around with and not feel dumb for it.. *grins*
What!? Snarky bloodlust……
That neeevvverrr happens to me
I agree with you totally!