Yesterday I was feeling particularly fragile. I suspect it has to do with not feeling at my peak but the point is, I really wanted someone to share space with. A body next to me on the rug by the fire reading a book or under the covers while watching a movie. Despite knowing a dozen people who would happily come snuggle with a sicky – I didn’t call anyone. I thought about it. A lot. But I couldn’t think of anyone, and let me explain I wanted male energy rather than female energy ( I had plenty of female energy and needed more grounding), I cannot think of any men I would feel comfortable seeing me or being near me in a “fragile” state of emotion.Why?
Why don’t I trust that still? Is it that I don’t trust myself not to lean on someone? Is it that I worry about being weak? I really don’t know. I don’t trust anyone to hold me when I need to be held – so I hide until the need lessens. Which is sort of stupid being that – most guys I know would be happy to lend a shoulder to cuddle with.
I was thinking yesterday – that’s kind of sad. I am not weak, so why do I fear showing vulnerability? Just one of those pesky observations. Sort of tragic that I don’t let people any closer. Lots of people in my sphere. Lots of people I love and who love me. But no one in my actual bubble. And I cannot exactly explain why.
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I’m terrible about asking for help. I nearly failed a math class in college because I couldn’t bring myself to ask the professor for help when I didn’t understand the material. The last time I moved, I did it all by myself because it was on very short notice and I didn’t want to bother anyone. And up until a few years ago I didn’t really talk to anyone about my emotional issues because I didn’t think anyone would be interested. Asking for help is hard.
With that said, I’m close and have an immune system of doom. So feel free to give me a call if the need arises again.
i like your bubble/sphere distinction. it’s important.
the bubble is sacred space, it takes a lot of courage to let people in. the sphere need not be so discerning. that’s why we can have a million in one and barely anyone in the other. it’s something i’ve been thinking a lot about, too. i find that if i let open it up to just anyone, even people i love or am interested in getting intimate with, sometimes it just makes me feel lonelier than if i was alone.
hope your journey to insight is more fun than mine. :-p. i don’t find it to be the most thrilling of experiences.
anyway, hope you get to feeling better soon, on any and all levels.
you’re an awesome goddess. (not that you need me to tell you)
the fact that you notice it and it bothers you means that it will lessen, it just will take time. I remember a time not so long ago that you would have thought it preferable to not let anyone in, weak to need anyone..so just trust that you are moving forward on it..and it’ll take some patience but it will come. Love you honey. and you can always borrow zack if you need snuggles, he’s good for that
Hope you feel better soon.
Good thing you didn’t call me. I would have said “YOU’RE IN LUCK, I JUST POWDERED MY COCK IN ASPIRIN!!!”
Jordan, I may just take you up on that
Nathania, I’m sorry your journey is not so thrilling.
It should be. That is, after all, sort of the point
If you want to talk about it you know my number.
Bliss, lady. Follow your Bliss
Megan, you are right. It will lessen.
There is progress. I might not see it right away but you are right – it wasn’t so long ago – lol.
You are right.
I love you!
Argentum, you have found the answer to the old, “I’d love to, but not tonight, Honey. I have a headache.” That excuse will never work again. Crap.
Babe, you should have gottan a hold of me. Of course i am not the snuggly type…But i would have made you some soup, then told you to get your ass off the couch and suck it up. And you know i would always read with you. As long as it wasnt some boring ass crap. I know ladies, i just have “snuggly” oozing out of me. What can i say, i am a manly man. i wear plaid…
Darling, I know you would read with me.
I seem to remember a day in front of the fire in AK when we were reading together on the floor. I was reading Robert Jordan while useing your belly as a head rest.
I remember that with great fondness.
Love you