Been thinking a lot lately. Work pretty much prevents me from having a social life. I dabbled with the idea of getting back into the dating world, even started the LoveQuest. I went on a couple of coffee dates but mostly when I have the free time and I’m not working I’d rather be relaxing or hanging with friends I hardly get to see – so dating just seems like too much work. That process of getting to know someone, discovering them and all their strange imperfect beauty.
I find all sorts of excuses. Too busy. Not feeling strong enough to let myself be vulnerable. Fantasies have begun taking the place of true flesh living men, because it’s simply easier than trying to squeeze someone into my space while maintaining boundaries and my hectic schedule. So I’ve pretty much written off the idea of finding a relationship. In the front of my mind I think, “Oh well, no worries. I won’t miss it.” In the back of my mind, there is a silent sadness and a wonderment that I could actually feel that way. It’s just not like the tragically-optimistic and foolish romantic that I have always been.
Which brings me to a stunning conclusion – I am not actually sure the great love really exists for me anymore. I can’t feel it anymore. The source is gone. The memory of how amazing it can be has faded so much that I don’t actually recall that glittering fierce passion. I can remember the way I behaved – but I can’t remember how it felt. I remember thinking it was amazing and that I would have it again one day, but that’s it.
I don’t have grace to give away anymore. I’ve stopped smiling at my own friends. For the first time in recent memory, I am one of the people I never understood. I am losing my belief. Losing my faith in love.
It’s so shocking to me that I actually sat down and tried to pick it apart. As far as I can tell there are a couple of possibilities. I have kept myself from receiving because I am still not convinced that I can have my cake and eat it to. I still have unfinished business with my career and I’m not ready to let love or another person derail me from what I want to do with my life – and the fear of that happening has kept me from accepting invitations I might have had a chance to experience some happiness with.
Another option is that I am not ready give up the freedom I have to make the choices that were so long denied.
Maybe it’s caffeine withdrawal. Maybe it’s from being sick – even though it seems like it’s been going on for some time now.
Whatever it is I’m sure there is plenty below the surface that I’m not even aware of yet. All I know is that this is very unlike me. Even when things were at their worst, when I really thought love would be what would put me in an early grave, I chose it anyway. Even heartbreak didn’t keep me from being a believer.
I don’t know what this is, but I don’t like it. This is not following my bliss. Maybe it’s just a temporary lapse. I hope that’s all it is. A phase.
How do I get out of this phase? I want my faith back. It’s been good to me all my life and I’m sure I haven’t abused it. How do I get it back?
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