To everyone who wrote in on the last post, I thank you. Most of you have known me for a very long time and it was good to be reminded that this “lapse in faith” is not me. It was also a very powerful reminder from Introneurotic, that not everyone is happy all of the time. I forget. Then when I find myself having an off week – I panic – because I forget that sometimes we all lose our faith, even if it’s just for a little while. Matty, I’ll take you up on that drink now if you don’t mind….
Keet, I know you’ve been through a kind of nightmare that I pray no one else will ever have to know. You were one of the first men I ever had a deep and comfortable trust with. Enough to sleep a chaste night in your arms. It’s strange to think that was half a life-time ago. I don’t know how love works. Maybe it’s chemical. Maybe it’s magic. But I do know that you are a good man, and that you are deserving of such happiness that when you receive it – it won’t matter how it works. It will only matter that you have it, and that you have earned it. I also think you are right, it will happen when you least expect it. I love you Keetster. You are doing fabulously well in the worst possible circumstances – and I find myself ridiculously proud of you for it.
Amanda, I’m sorry to hear about you and Tony. Strange that I don’t have faith for my own sort of love – but from where I’m sitting I can say, “Your Cowboy is out there!” And totally believe it. Put your shit-kickers on, get a good tight pair of Wranglers and let’s go hit up a place with a line dance. I’ll even promise to ride the Bull, if you’ll promise to ask someone out while we’re there. I’ll be your wingman and we all know how much I like cowboy joints – so this is not an offer I’d make just anyone!
Megan, god I love you woman. Thank you for reminding me of so many things at once – that should be plainly obvious, but that I have been glossing over. I do need to take a trip. I do need to get out with my friends in the sun –even though I think I don’t want to leave my house. I do need to rethink my job. This is a lapse. It will pass. And I must squeeze the hell out of you next time you are within arms reach!
Chadely, you’ve been My Champion for 15 years. You were my first great glimpse into a form of love that came without a comfortable label. Thus My Champion was born and I have taken shameless pleasure, boundless strength and never-ending joy from having you in my life in such a capacity. It is a testament to your skill as My Champion, that your comment about love being only a chemical response that I thought, “What a putz! It is not a chemical response to fool us into procreation! Wait, is it? No! Of course not. Maybe. What a jerk! Love is so much more than that!” And of course, like I expect was your intent, I launched my own counterattack in my mind bringing my definitions of love up from the muck and they are still vibrant and powerful. I may not feel it right now, but those beliefs are still there –ready to do battle with my very own Champion and his pessimistic outlooks. Brilliantly played, as ever. See? You were a good choice as my Champion, although I suspect – it was never really my choice, you only ever let me think it was. But that’s another story.
SummitSummit, I appreciate your reach to a person in the ether. I love that you stretched with the intent of bringing your own faith in love to the table, but instead – seemed to understand that these people would remind me from my very core parts – I am an inherent believer. I always have been. This last few weeks must be a lapse. I have no idea when it will clear up. I don’t know about the light at the end of the tunnel, but clearly I’m in good hands and hearts with my friends and readers and even with the grace of a stranger… so it can’t really be that bad, right? My faith in love will return. I’ve never lived without it before so it scares me a little when I can’t feel it. But it will return. Thank you, SummitSummit, for reaching!
So everyone, this has been a powerful reminder that although I need to remember that not everyone is 100% happy 100% of the time. It’s human. And even the most persistent believer has times of doubt. Thank you all for reminding me that I am not without love completely. It’s still here.
And if you don’t mind, I will borrow your faith in the great romantic love, until my own returns.
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