There is something about myself that I am struggling to accept –unwire and make peace with. It’s shallow and selfish, I already know this and feel a sense of shame about it. However, I am also aware that it is entirely normal and human and even healthy to acknowledge and set proper boundaries for.
I am turned off by needy people. I have no respect for people who are weak.
I understand how this sounds. It makes me cringe when I say it aloud and shake my head at myself to know I even wrote it down. Let me acknowledge that I do not perceive vulnerability as weakness or lack of strength as weakness. True and sincere need – I have compassion and sympathy for and will always endeavor to help.
What I struggle with is self-reliance. People who are capable of strength, or being self-sufficient but for some reason they choose not to.
Not a real example but an illustration:
Someone who runs out of gas on the side of the road, an honest miscalculation about distance to a gas station. They phone a friend and a friend shows up with a can full of gas to bail them out. Because that’s what friends do.
A week later, they run out of gas again. Crap! Perhaps the gas gauge is broken. They call their friend and they’re friend shows up with a can of gas to bail them out. Because, that’s what friends do.
A month later they call from the side of the highway and the friends shows up angry. “Why are you out of gas on the side of the road – again?” The friend asks. And they say, “Because, I knew you’d show up with what I need.”
This is the kind of weakness I mean. This needy inability to manage the basic and easy functions leaves me unable to focus on the things that REALLY need attention or help. It could be simple, like managing their own relationships better, finances, or emotional chaos. The person who repeatedly allows themselves to be abused by someone – not once or twice or even a dozen times – but over and over until – I’m flat out tired of hearing about it, much less investing my energy to help. Same with finances, yes, you are in debt because you keep shopping and spending money you don’t have – so stop asking me to help you when you can’t put your credit card away. Don’t ask me to drive you to the store five times because you don’t want to work enough to make a car payment and you don’t feel like riding the bus. Don’t ask me to come over and cuddle you with hugs because you got dumped by the same guy for the third time this week.
Manage yourself. Pull up your bootstraps and make a fucking choice to pull your own baggage.
Then, when you honestly are busting ass to make things work, pushing yourself to make healthy boundaries and self-reliant decisions. I will WANT to help. I will encourage and cheer and be thrilled to reach out and lift some of the burden. I will spot you, but I won’t do the heavy lifting just because you don’t feel like it.
I will gladly help those I love, but I won’t let that love be abused or taken for granted.
Now that I’ve said all that and vented – I have to be honest and admit I am one of the people I can’t stand. I am, on occasion, lazy about my self-management. I am aware that there are times I can do something by myself and yet I ask someone else to do it for me. I acknowledge fully that I there are times when I lean more than I should.
More often though, I am so petrified of being one of these people in my own mind that it often prevents me from asking for help when I actually do need it. I avoid vulnerability of my boundaries with men in my life because I don’t want them to do any of my lifting. My baggage is mine. My life maintenance is mine and I don’t ever want to be seen as the girlfriend that needs.
Therefore, I suspect I heave less tolerance for needy people because I have no tolerance for myself when I know I am neglecting my own needs so I don’t seem like a lazy or careless person – which ultimately – makes me exactly what I don’t want to be.
Ugh. I hate these types of circles.
6 Comments(+Add)
it is good to write them out though. Because then you see exactly where the problems lie, not just rotating around in your head, but in black and white before you. Hell, even glowing when you do it on a computer!
Just remember, that a relationship is sharing. And part of that sharing is sharing your burden. If you aren’t willing to share that you are not really in a relationship, friendship or more intimate. If you do not share some of your burden your friends and lovers can’t feel as though they are helping, as though they are being supportive. Sometimes it is okay to be needy (in the healthy way you describe, not the other). Just remember, everyone wants to be needed sometimes. As a person who loves to help when it is a healthy cycle of support and growth stop sometimes and remind yourself that others are like you, and love to help.
Sometimes it is as pedantic as actually literally stopping yourself during a situation where you see yourself closing off (or, alternately, being lazy) and reminding yourself, out loud or silently, to not let yourself. I find that it helps me to actually change rather than just hate doing it but still do it. You know how you have that little voice in your head, the one that while you are doing something stupid because it is your habit/defense/cycle is screaming for you to stop, yet you can’t seem to stop? Sometimes if I vocalize that voice out loud it helps me stop. And sometimes it just makes me look like a crazy.
No its not okay to be needy. I completely agree with you that its okay once and awhile (like once or twice a year) but learn to survive on your own. We are taught that the world is a cruel place, life is tough and shit at all times. And if you are not fit to take that crap, get out of the way of people who can. The ones that need help every once and awhile who have helped others who are in need are the only ones who should ask. Those that think about others in times of trouble are saints, but sometimes they can’t separate themselves from the ones that are in need for a issue versus the ones that constantly need it are fools themselves.
Its hard to write this and think of a point without sounding like a COMPLETE asshole, but being taken advantage of is my point. Sometimes it is the people that are willing to help someone time after time that needs to step aside. Its okay to say no, its okay to tell someone that you wont be taken advantage of again. Its okay to remove those people from your life unless they have been there for you as well multiple times. Its basically the scrubs of society that piss me off Athena. Those that can’t get on with their lives without getting pity from someone. I am going through something with someone right now that is doing that very thing, and it is making me SO pissed off. So this blog hit right home. Problem is…I can’t tell this person that they are a scrub because they are in my work…
Megan, I hadn’t even thought of it from the point of view that people want to help. I logically know that I guess – but I just need to be aware that when I really am at the place where I can’t do it alone… I will try hard not to be down on myself about asking. You are right
PS. How is your show going? I can’t wait to see it
Introneurotic! So glad to see you I’ve been wondering how you’ve been
Sad of course to hear you seem to be having trouble at work.
Maybe a night of scrabble or a movie to take your mind off things?
Orrrrrrr we teach you how to finally play Settlers of Catan.
omg, if there is settlers I’m so in!!
also, my show is going really REALLY awesome!! I usually don’t read reviews, but I broke down since this is my first really heavily reviewed show and they were all absolutely ravingly good! yay!