I’ve been dealing with some anger lately. Although I have suspicions about it being related to my cycle and change in diet, I am also aware and a little nervous that it’s not proportionate.
Fully aware of the fact that a little anger is normal, the only reason I’m concerned is that I seem to be attracting situations and moments wherein I am put to a test to control my response.
In the last year I’ve had two drunk idiots start shit with me in a bar. Both were men, and I was sober both times just trying to play a game of pool with my brother. Last Friday as I was walking back to my parking garage from Downtown and realized they might be locking the parking facility I was hurrying along the sidewalk walking briskly with purpose but not quite running.
Three people were taking up the whole width of the walkway and I tried for couple of blocks to get around them. Two guys and a woman who had evidently had enough to be a belligerent bitch. Each time I tried to pass they would end up blocking my path until finally the littlest guy felt bad and ran ahead to let me pass.
“That’s right. You go on ahead.” She said with a smarmy challenge.
Both guys looked at her with irritation and I smiled sweetly and replied. “Thank you.”
So I passed and the group tailed me, the faster I walked the faster they moved up behind me, all the while she made sly comments about stupid people and bitches out alone at night. Finally, I turned. “Are you talking to me?”
She raised her eyebrows in shock and dramatically put a hand across her chest. “No. Why would I be talking to you? I don’t even know you.” They guys shuffled nervously.
At the next street I turned left on Madison to get to the parking garage, “That’s right bitch, turn left. Get the fuck off my street!”
I turned back toward her with absolute fury. “Shut up, you cunt and get yourself home to bed. You wouldn’t win a fight with me even IF you were sober.”
Wisely, the two guys grabbed her arms and rushed her down the street, presumably to someplace where she won’t be making trouble for anyone.
I made it to the parking garage just before they locked the gate, and on the way home I pondered… am I putting off some kind of energy that is bringing that shit to me? I don’t remember it being so common before… and yet, really when I think back I have always had the rose-colored glasses and thought, “oh, she wasn’t talking to me” or the zen approach of “blessed be, because Karma is going to fuck you up so I won’t have to” or worse yet – historically, I would ignore it and run away and take it personal and cry about it at home.
So honestly, it’s not more than it ever has been – I’m just tired of letting people get away with stupid shit. Furthermore, my fight or flight is moving away from the flight and more to the fight. I’m still not sure if this is bad or not.
There was a incident the week before as I was waiting for the Hawthorne bridge to go down. Three blocks of backed up traffic ahead of me, and five more in my rearview mirror. The car in front of me was stopped so as to not block the intersection and the lady in the car behind me started revving her engine and creeping forward. She’d creep and rev and creep and rev and beep her horn and creep and rev… I remember thinking as I watched her in the rearview, “where does she think she’s going to go?”
Then she hit me. Freya lurched and my body flooded with RAGE! “Ohnoyoudidn’t!”
Yanking the e-brake I got out and slammed the door and charged to her window. The bitch was still talking on her cell phone when I started screaming. No yelling or talking logically, but screaming with enough anger that my whole body shook.
“If you want to get around me so bad, get out of your fucking car and walk! Get off your fucking phone and walk, bitch! How dare you ram me! The bridge is up! WE CAN’T GO ANYWHERE!”
She caved immediately and began stammering, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t think you were that close.” Then she had the nerve to ask, “I’m in such a hurry do you think you could move up so I can go around?”
I screamed some more and about the time I thought about dragging her through her open window… I closed my mouth and exhaled.
The woman two cars over was laughing hysterically as I stormed back to my car, legs shaking too bad to work the clutch. The bridge closed and I went home, curled up on the couch, terrified by my own level of anger. “Until I figure out what that was… I’m not leaving the house.”
It could be that I’m disproportionately angry. It could be that I am attracting it to my experience. It could also be that I’m not ignoring it anymore just hoping it will go away. It could be that I’m tired of feeling bullied by ignorant drunks, or people who feel like their needs and agendas are more important than my basic right to be left alone.
Maybe it is a proportionate reaction. Maybe not.
9 Comments(+Add)
Fuck that bitch. You would have had my full support and bail money if you slugged her right in the face. Although jail makes you feel really impotent, so I don’t suggest that route. I can’t believe she hit Freya.
If you figure out the rage thing, let me know, because it’s been hitting me hard lately too. I want to blame it on the caffeine, but I just went two days without last weekend, and it really didn’t make a difference.
Maybe it’s too much focus on “niceness” and peace. Well, not too much but just a little too much “rose-tint” in the focus. I’ve heard an interesting theory about Portland, about how all the road-rage type stuff comes from the fact that they’re always trying so hard to be nice to each other they aren’t real. So it’s sort of repressed like Puritans and sex.
Fuck repression. Scream at those little bitches who get away with treating people like shit. And shoot the people who entertain that type of attitude, cuz they’re more at fault than the spoiled bitches themselves, in my opinion.
God dude. I can’t be-lieve she hit Freya.
We’re not gonna take it! No! we’re not gonna take it. We’re not gonna take it any more.
Let them hear you roar. Give ‘em hell Athena. Seriously – it’s all appropriate. If you find yourself creating bad situations with friends or getting yourself in really risky situations, that’s when you should look for better ways to channel your anger.
Well, I think its because you feel confident to stand up for yourself. Sometimes, you gotta do (or say) what you gotta do. And face it – we are surrounded by morons. But, you could also practice some kind of thought process/action that you do before you decide to follow through with your thoughts/anger… but hell…I say keep going with it. Just don’t yell at me! haha
Did you come up with the line “Blessed be, because karma will fuck you over so I won’t have to?” I laughed my ass off. I thought it was funny.
Have you ever thought about taking out your aggression on say, punching bag? Kick-boxing? Spoiled children? Little brothers are not an option – sorry. Taking out aggression with the little brother is an option though. We should go beat up a disrespectful drunk.
I think in every instance except maybe the last your anger was not just proportionate, but under proportionate! Seriously you would have been completely justified in my mind to, as Sondra said, slug the bitch. Nobody deserves to be talked to like that, you were minding your own buisness and she was being a cunt, and deserved to be told so.
I do think the woman who rammed you should have been told off, maybe not in such a screamy way, but she should have at least hung up and come to apologize to you, not just sat in her car on her phone AFTER SHE HIT YOU and then have the gall to ask to go around you!! I mean..wtf? seriously? She’s lucky you didn’t file a claim!!
So yeah. I think it is good for you to stop taking it. Maybe it has been happening to you in the past -because- you took it…the bad energy was just taking the path of least resistance? But now that you are standing up for yourself you have to find that delicate balance between flipping out on people who need to be flipped out on, not flipping out but not taking any shit either when it is appropriate, and knowing when to not bring it up. That’s the big challenge now!
and honestly, I think you’re accepting that challenge really well. There will be slip ups and hulk moments as you figure out how to deal with it but I think it’ll all even out once you feel it out and figure out where your groove is!
Well, while I totally agree with you standing up for yourself (and wish I had the guts to do so myself more often), this whole post kind of reminds me of something. I learned once that anger isn’t an emotion…it’s a reaction to an emotion. In other words, we get angry because we feel afraid, or threatened, or disrespected, or any number of things. So maybe it’s not the anger you need to wonder about so much as what that anger is reacting to? Like you said, why did this particular drunk, stupid bitch bother you when in the past she might not have?
If the answer is just that in the past it’s made you angry but you kept it all inside, then maybe this is healthy. Maybe after blowing up a bit you’ll find a happy medium between letting people bully you and going into a rage at the drop of a hat
O.O
My comment disappeared! Drat. Um…well to paraphrase a really long comment I basically said that I learned once that anger isn’t an emotion it’s a reaction to an emotion. So in other words we get scared or hurt or something and respond with anger. That might give you a new perspective on it…*shrug*
Other than that, I think you should be able to find a happy medium between keeping all your anger inside and flipping out all the time
…….and there’s my first comment. Hah, now I look like adork.
Well what else is new?
HA!
Epiphany! That happens a lot! I think it’s a cacheing problem but I don’t know how to fix it