As you know I was taking poker lessons from JawnnieAce last year. There is only so much you can learn in the beginning as it is technical, but then you have to play with real money to actually understand the game.
He’d told me as much, but I hadn’t understood it quite yet.
Not until last night, when I won my first poker tournament.
It all started with the 10 players and an outdoor table near the fire pit. Admiral Fubar and myself and LaraPirate and JawnnieAce and several others… I was a tired and a burned out on a work Monday and had every intention of going to the gym but after weeks of writing, a night of playing poker sounded like a great release.
I realized last night that the guys I play with, are guys I am quite comfortable around. Three of the men at the table I trust a lot in fact.
I’ve heard the adage that to really know a man you need to play poker with him, but I still don’t believe it. That being said, I do suspect that there is a facet of the psyche or personality that is revealed in a game that pits honesty and money in the center of the table. Deeply fascinating.
Towards the end, JawnnieAce went out of the game and I felt a sense of sadness that I stayed in longer, even though I know he was done playing and just wanted to leave. I did not beat my teacher, he quit. Not the same thing. Bummer.
It was down to myself and two guys I like and enjoy playing with and I think they were as surprised as I was that I was still in the game and when I actually won I felt a genuine sense of something shifting when I took my earnings. It was a weird and sense of respect that I believe they were surprised to feel and the only way I can explain it was like sort of a chick-like bonding moment of “hey, you’re kind of cool and you don’t suck as bad as I thought you did.”
Which is the only reason I didn’t give all the money back.
I know, it’s stupid, but being that it was my first game and I had never won a pot before I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and wanted to hand everyone their money.
Holy guilt, Batman.
I didn’t think taking their money would make me feel so bad. I didn’t feel empowered or cool at all and the only thing that made me stuff the cash in my bra were the honest congratulations and grudgingly-surprised pats on the back.
I’d just passed some sort of test and won something from them and I suspect they would have been if not offended – then definitely less respectful if I’d given it back.
So yeah, the plight of being a girl. Want the in and the acknowledgement of being just as good as the guys – but not wanting the guilt or responsibility of beating them.
Which brought me to a sudden and powerful awareness in my own mind that perhaps – just potentially – I have been holding myself back more than I thought in respect to playing games such as pool, and x-box and scrabble and such.
I have no idea that winning would make me feel so squirmy and uncomfortable. It’s definitely something to ponder.
By comparison, I watch Indigo who simply cannot accept being beat by someone, anyone but especially men. Her drive to win at all costs sometimes makes a vacuum in the fun part of the playing. Uber competitiveness. I find myself at a strange place sometimes of knowing I can win and finding a pleasure in it but letting it go…
So twice last night I folded hands I knew would clean up the table.
A suited Ace and King.
And later, a pocket pair of Kings.
I guess it’s sort of safe to say, the winning for me is not the payoff. It’s the face time with people I like, the ones I care about or the folks whose company I enjoy. It’s cheesy to say – but that’s my win, it just seems redundant to get paid for it.
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