I realized last week that I am ready to open myself to the possibility of a relationship again.  For sure I’ve been saying that for 3 years and even went on more than two dates with the same person, but typically speaking, even when I started the LoveQuest – I would find excuses to be reclusive and or not go out more than once with someone – most especially if I thought I might like them.

I just don’t think my heart was in it.

But last week the thought of having a relationship again got me excited and a little bit giddy. Weird.

It’s been 3 years since I’ve thought of consecutive dates without suddenly becoming drenched in a cold sweat, or falling short of breath in a hurry to pack my bags and run away.

I had two encounters with guys in the last two weeks that has led, I believe to this change; LionHeart resurfaced after 3 years, and Textguy turned out to be a fizzy-dud after I called his bluff.

Neither of them are boyfriend material and although I have no desire to even go there with either of them… I was suddenly aware of what I wanted because I had a glaring example of what I don’t want!

It seems ridiculous to say, but I swear to god I had an epiphany that, I can have someone perfect for me and that means—- *drum roll* someone who respects my independence.

I don’t have to be afraid of being trapped anymore, because what if, just what if… there is someone out there who could understand my need to be free?

Sure, it’s a total long shot, but what are the odds I’ll find a jeep guy who knows better than to tell me I can’t hit the road, or expect me to give up poker nights with the guys.  What if there’s a guy out there who will know that if someone picks a fight with me in the bar that it’s my fight and he’d better stay out of the way or I’ll swing at him too? Is it possible?

Someone who will play Halo with me and geek out to video games and Joss Whedon? Someone who will not make a peep about how much money I spend on stilettos or accessories for Freya? Because it’s money I earned? Can it be?

And on top of all that, talk in the elevated story world that I live in? Can it be possible that I’ll find someone who gets metaphorical language and has a passion for creativity in some form?

Could it be that he is a soup AND sex guy? Someone I want to nurture and adore AND do unspeakable things to their body all night long and most of the next day?

For the first time, I feel like, it can happen. It might not happen right away and I may have to endure the dating thing but for once, that doesn’t terrify me.

For once I am excited about the adventure of the search, the tension of the hunt. For once I am confident that my baggage is cleanly sorted, packed and stowed and I am ready to venture out into the unknown.

I want to remember what it’s like to have fumbling fingers and uncertain knees. I want to remember what it’s like to have a body next to me in the early hours of morning when the air is crisp and there is no plan for the next several hours. I want to remember what it’s like to bicker over things that don’t really matter just for an excuse to have makeup sex.

For the first time in 3 years I feel like this new sense of possibility is my own and not my friend’s worried best intentions to pair me up, or see me happy. I feel like it’s finally my choice and not something I feel obligated to think about to keep my friends from stressing out about me. Finally, since it’s my choice I don’t feel the pressure to pretend I want something I really don’t or set myself up for disappointment. I can have what I want! How cool is that?!

I can’t explain this sense of, “bring it on!” Okay, Universe, test me – because I’m surely testing you. I’m not in a hurry, it’s just an observation that something has shifted finally, for whatever reason… I am not afraid anymore.

If there is an epic romantic adventure tailor-made for me…. I am finally ready to open my eyes and see it. Surprise me.

I do love surprises.

Seattle was awesome. I drove up Saturday morning and came back the next day. Mistress Sara is going to pop and spill a baby any day now and I wanted to see her while she’s still so freaking adorable as a belly with skinny legs and a pregnant waddle. I would have squished her if I didn’t worry about breaking her water. It was good, I’ve been missing her and my Jeffy and Andymay and peeps from home, so I feel much better today for having gone. I didn’t realize I’d needed to see them so much.

I also wanted to see Brian for his 30^th B-day which was Saturday night.  So I got to see Carrie and Brian and a bunch of others that I haven’t seen in a long time.  Going back to Seattle felt strangely like a sort of home-coming. I spent so much time there for the book and travel and research that I got a heavy nostalgia just driving in.

As usual I loved the drive even. What better three hours than in the jeep with Queen’s greatest hits blaring and the wind in my hair. All in all, a great weekend and too short.

Also, Jeffy sent me home with an X-box. Oh. Dear. God.

I was so stoked about coming home to set it up and play, but on the drive back I realized – I HAVE to finish this project and get it in the mail first, or I might never complete it.  I could be sucked into the game void for days on end and not finish my script.  So after I got home I ran to the gym, busted ass and ran home to write for a five hours. I want this fellowship.

I can totally get this package in the mail and meet this deadline – I just can’t hook up the X-box until then! How strong am I? I guess we shall see.