I Won’t Settle

Chad, Chad, Chad… My Champion

I will not deny that you knew me, and still know a part of me, but I must respectfully disagree with you – that you do not know me as much as you think you do.

I will concede that I do have a defense mechanism, that is in essence my “bitchiness”. I will concede that you are right and I need to have a talk with my subconscious to determine what I really want.

But I whole heartedly disagree that I am not willing to make the first move as evidenced by my attempts at approaching men to hand them my card, (approximately two cards a month) and per the ads I put up on-line then ask the men out for coffee or drinks and per the occasional approaches I make to guys I find attractive (every so often).

I make my move.

I rarely get moved upon.

That being said, because I believe I make efforts – maybe not as much as some but certainly more than others – I have much less tolerance for stupidity and bullish tactics and random douche bags trying “cheesy pickup lines” and cocky macho bullshit… such as, “Hey Baby, what’s your name?”

I believe I am entitled to blow off or be bitchy to any asshole stupid enough to treat me less like a human/woman and more like a skanky hoe.

While I do agree that I can be less defensive – I do believe I am not a bad judge of character or intentions and I have pretty good instincts. With that, I suspect that is typically why I frequently make the first move – because I have read him, and determine him worth the risk of rejection because he is in fact a marvelous individual. Whether I get him or not, I have still won something in the attempt.

I have never asked a man out – whom I didn’t think to be an honorable and brilliant man, whatever show he may have on the surface.

With that understanding, I believe I am entitled to be “puffy and bitchy” as you put it to keep moron’s like the asshole at the strip club who touched me, and the idiot who called me “baby” from getting too close.  I don’t want them gumming up the works or clogging my energy for when I am ready to spot the “right guy” and either make my move or accept a move coming in.

I love you, Chadley, but I think you are wrong.  I am ready to love and be loved – I am NOT ready to settle just so people wont think I’m a crazy “independent fem Nazi”. I have no need to prove I can be a co-partner and I do not have a fear of becoming the “stinky crazy cat lady”.

If that is my future either way, then I am content to accept it.

I am happy right now.  I’m overwhelmed and overworked and tired but I’m grinning from ear to ear and I cannot imagine giving up that joy for some fucker at a strip club who thinks I’d make a good sandwich.

Either someone will see in me, the marvelous brilliance that I can be beneath the bitchy sarcasm – or better yet, they even love that about me, or they don’t.  I am okay with it either way.

For my own personal growth I expect I will try to lessen my impact on some things I say, but I cannot be but what I am, and I am a woman – - who will not tolerate foolishness or disrespect or dumb-fuckery.  I expect a man to be a man, not a tail-tucked weenie who gets schooled by a chick in a poker game and cries about it into his Pabst.

Because I have to live with myself when all is said and done, and if I settle for less than exactly what I want… I am not on my BlissQuest, I would be on someone else’s BlissQuest – and I already know from experience that never works out well for anyone.

I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that if I were to settle for less, than the man who can keep up with me and also keep me in check and I could return the favor – YOU would not be happy about it! In fact I would hazard an opinion that if I’d gone home with the strip club guy – you would have hopped a plane here JUST TO KICK HIS ASS, then KICK MY ASS FOR GOOD MEASURE. Am I wrong?

I love that you wrote in, Chadely – But I suspect that you already knew I’d say all that, and I also have a sneaking suspicion that you’d have been disappointed if I hadn’t.

But that’s why I love you, My Champion. You just like to hear me confirm out loud what you already knew – so I would also have to live up to my word. I am a bitch because I refuse to settle.

Sometimes I hate you for it, but only for a minute.