So the 90 day challenge revealed some things I need to work on. The food experiment was simply to see if an increase in protein and exercise would make me feel better. It did. There is no doubt in my mind that I need to make that change in my lifestyle to incorporate higher proteins and fewer carbs. This was made even more clear to me the week before and the week of my birthday when I stopped going to the gym and ate anything I wanted.
Not good. Weight gain and feeling crappy. Duh.
So now that we know it works – it’s time to make it real.
The aspect of acknowledging my femininity and form is still in development with the inclusion of more dresses and wardrobe and things that make me feel, well, sexy. What I learned from the 90 challenge about my body is astonishing. In fact I believe that is partly why I’ve been having trouble writing lately – I just can’t process it.
For nearly 14 weeks of diet and exercise, my weight did not move… AT ALL! My shape shifted as things fit differently and my confidence increased and my strength improved. In fact, my arms got too big for a couple of my shirts.
Interestingly, despite the fact that I didn’t lose weight I felt freer and more powerful and it felt great to wear dresses and fun flirty clothes.
Something changed in me in those weeks, but ultimately it was not revealed until my date with Maurice.
My previous post about becoming a woman is here.
It’s about my search to embrace my body and my sexuality and the 90 day challenge was supposed to be a tool to help me do that. What I didn’t expect was that near the end of the challenge – my resolve would be tested. When I was sitting at the table with Maurice, and he asked if I was happy being single I unabashedly said, “Yes! I love it!”“Then why are you dating?” He asked.It floored me. I had no response. I stalled with a long, “Uuuhhhhh…. Because I think my friends are worried about me and think I’m lonely and….”“That’s a terrible reason to be dating.”Holy Shit, Batman! He was right and based on how the rest of the date went I was astonished that he had hit such a major mark.
I am happy! I am thoroughly happy AND single.
Furthermore, as the night continued and I felt more and more disgusted by the sexual neediness coming off him and the perpetual shoving at my boundaries from the outside… I felt more and more like I wasn’t a person, but a wide-eyed T-bone steak in front of a starving dog.
I tried. I really tried.
But not until last night did I even make the connection that right after my date with Maurice I stopped going to the gym, I stopped eating protein and started wearing my hoody and eating unhealthy fatty foods and drinking more. Before my date I’d felt sexy and strong and after my date I felt gross and ungainly.
It’s been 3 weeks and I didn’t even notice how hard I tried to bury myself – 8 pounds heavier.
To acknowledge the progress the quest has made, this is the first time I’ve caught the pattern before I’ve had to buy a larger size of jeans. Three weeks is the fastest I’ve ever recognized it – but it still amazes me that I didn’t once in three weeks even wonder if I was reverting to the fear again. Ordering extra fries or a shake twice a week or whatever, I never actually asked myself if I was doing it again.
I sat in bed last night wondering if it is indeed time for therapy because it is so deeply rooted, so powerfully subconscious that my choices thereafter were so naturally and smoothly unhealthy and indicative of how terrified I was – - I can’t keep living my life this way.
I can’t get to a place of feeling sexy and attractive then have an interaction with a man who clearly has no idea of how destructive and insulting he is and revert to the need to protect myself from his stupidity by making myself unattractive. It is not helping me.
There you have it though. The 90 day challenge was a smashing success, because all it was intended to do was determine if my quality of life could be improved with a few changes. I believe it can. It was improved and now that I know what works and what doesn’t I can continue to make adjustments and do more to improve as I go. How about you guys? Did you learn anything for your 90 day challenges? Did your quality of life improve? Did you gain any nuggets of information that you will be able to carry over and continue?
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