“Why are you always doing these stupid health things? I can never remember what new diet you’re on or what days you can eat wheat and which astral alignment you are allowed to have cheese… why can’t you just eat food like a normal person?” Liam asked from the open refrigerator.
“Stop whining.” I snapped from the couch where I hunched over a book on Samurai weaponry. “There are pot stickers in the freezer just boil them and shut up.”
“You want to go get some sushi? I could go for some salmon.” Liam shuffled into the living room and watched me sitting in a dying patch of daylight.
“What part of Master Cleanse includes raw fish?” I groaned.
I looked up at him standing in the last of the new spring sun, his tousled blond hair picking up highlights and I noticed his eyes seeming far away. There would obviously be no more researching done today so I set my book aside. With a heavy sigh, I asked, “Okay. What’s the real problem?”
“Nothing. Why do you always think there’s a problem?”
“Why are you so defensive?”
“I’m not! Why are you trying to pick a fight!?”
“I’m not trying to pick a fight! I’m trying to figure out what the fuck is the matter with you!!!”
“Well stop! There’s nothing wrong with me there’s something wrong with you and it’s really bothering me –OKAY?”
My mouth clicked shut, all arguments bitten off by the sudden shift and I sat back against the cushions of the couch. “What’s wrong with me?” I whispered.
He was instantly contrite, “I didn’t mean it like that, Athena.” He stepped forward, spreading his wings and kneeling on the floor next to the sofa. “I didn’t mean there’s something wrong with you….”
“Then clarify, please.” There was a sudden pressure behind my eyes and I felt an old insecurity surface, one I thought I had fixed a long time ago.
“I meant to say, you are not yourself these last several months – longer even, and I feel like you are pulling away from the world, more and more.”
“I am pulling away from the world so I can write, Liam. I can’t keep straddling two realms and be good at both for long stretches of time. Sometimes I just need a goddamn break from one so I can focus on the other!” I knew I sounded defensive, but I didn’t know how to correct it.
“I know,” he said and took my hand in his, “But I can’t help but feel like… you are pulling away from me too, and the world you are about to write is my world. And my world does not have much worth writing if you are not part of it, right?”
I blinked and felt tears splash onto my forearm.
He cupped my cheek and smiled, touching his forehead to mine. “Remember how we used to go flying all the time? You never seem to want to anymore. We used to fly up to the St. John’s Bridge with coffees and watch the lights. Remember? We used to stay up all night talking and playing games. We used to sneak through the neighborhoods at night and plant wildflower seeds in sidewalk cracks. We used to do all kinds of things together and now, now you are tired from work, busy, or you just want to watch a movie or go to bed early – and when you write you are not here or there… I don’t know where you go.”
He was right and I knew it.
“I haven’t been really inspired, Liam.” I sniffed, wiping my nose with the back of my hand.
“I have not felt the sort of joy that I get in my writing that is so similar to how it feels when we launch together off the bridge and plummet toward the water pulling up in time just to get our feet wet – I haven’t felt that in my writing in months.”
He frowned for a long time at the floor, then with a determined fix to his eyes he looked at me, “Tell me what you need from me and I will do what I can to help you become inspired again.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Guys are always wanting to fix things – especially the things that can’t be fixed.
I kissed him gently, brushing his hair back and smiling against his lips. “This one I have to do on my own. And I think it involves – returning to bliss.”
I have wandered off the BlissQuest path of late. I have stopped finding challenges and pushing my boundaries and indulging my curiosity. I have been caving and rebalancing, yes, but I have been avoiding living.
Everyone has to do this from time to time, but I saw that Liam was right – it is time to start the process of spring and re-emerge. Back to the Bliss roots to reawaken the passions and inspiration.
Liam and I continued to talk for the better part of Sunday and the conclusions I have come to should re-evolve the BlissQuest in new directions. New ideas.
Thank you to Erisian for redesigning the site!! Shout out for Erisian who came over and spent the day making a new interface to that it would represent the new direction I want the BlissQuest to take. Erisian! You are a genius!!
A new look. A new feel and soon I will post – the new plan.
The baby steps of the BlissQuest are done, now it’s time to start jogging.
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