In my efforts to cave, re-center and evaluate the course of the last three years I have come to the conclusion that… I am an Epic Weenie.
Looking back over my posts I liken my approach to the BlissQuest thus far, as a 6 year old girl wearing arm floaties and standing at the edge of a pool sticking a big toe in the water and mumbling, “there could possibly be sharks in there… or boys.” But as of yet, I have not truly jumped.
Have I skydived yet? No.
Have I tattooed my back? No.
Have I run topless through an electrical storm? Well, yes, but still.
Have I made it to New Zealand? No!
Where is my novel? Where is the daring of wanting to learn to ride a motorcycle? Where is the grin that I expect will come after I’ve swum with dolphins or fire-danced naked under a full moon?
Much of what I feel has been a lull in the Quest came after my 30th birthday when suddenly, the things I felt driven to do seemed much less important and my priorities seemed to be shifting faster than I could pinpoint. Call it age. Call it biology. Whatever.
Strangely, and I can’t explain it – with this evolutions my absolutisms, the ideas I had set in my mind as permanent fixtures of my future suddenly cracked and much of my “I will never do this attitudes” turned to… “I’m not entirely opposed to this anymore.”
Not strongly enough to be called a crisis of identity or faith or any such thing but without much warning I found I wasn’t sitting on one side of the fence or the other anymore.
The possibility of getting married again? My previous responses of “Abso-fuckinglutely not! Not ever again!” Turned to…. “Hmm. I suppose if the circumstance is right I will think about it.”
“Kids? Hell no!” Has become, “Not yes or no, but willing for the fist time to consider the option.” It’s amazing how the phrase ‘willing to consider’ has sent me into circles of mental backward belly-flops.
“Fall in love? Trust? No likely.” Has become… “I really hope so.”
With these unexpected emotional and mental openings have also surged a flood of opportunities for my mind to ponder new avenues of bliss and exploration. Self-evaluation and awareness. New adventures. New horizons. And while the possibilities and thoughts have shifted to a center point other newer ideas have come to light as well.
If children are even an option of my future then what else do I want to do while I can? Spend a year abroad? Hurry and finish my novels? Go back to school for my writing degree? Learn to fly a small aircraft? Build a cabin on the coast? What else is there suddenly if the perspective shifts and ideas come flooding in.
When there are fewer absolutes; as in I will absolutely never marry again, or I will absolutely never stay in one city longer than five years… when these absolutes are no longer absolute – a funny thing happens to Bliss… it gets wider. It grows in potential exponentially!
Perhaps I have been lacking inspiration because last August I reach a wall that was a far as I could see in either direction. I had only imagined my future to that point and when I got there – I couldn’t really imagine anything beyond that because I had only my previous patterns to rely on and my absolutisms to guide me.
I blocked myself in with, “I will not’s.”
Suddenly, with the invention of the word “MAYBE”. The wall is crumbling and a new future unburdened by anything permanently fixed is starting to show beyond the rubble.
So the short version is this; I think I just leveled up.
As the blockage of my previous markers fall away, I am filled with a sense of overwhelming endlessness. Without the wall to obscure my vision I can see things now like taking horseback riding lessons, learning a new language, starting a business, owning property in a foreign country… it goes on and on and now I need to narrow down what I would like to experience – what do I still want to accomplish, try, be and have before this lifetime ends?
Love – for sure!
Adventure – OBVIOUSLY!
My own family – Considering.
Travel – A must!
Etc.
Any other ideas? Are there any things you guys can think of that I am missing?
What do you want to do to add Bliss to your life? What adventure do you long to accomplish?
Let’s brainstorm together because – you have all been with me for this journey thus far – let’s keep it going! You are all now part of the BlissQuest. Simply by being readers and joining me for these years you are parties to the epic and ongoing quest.
What do you want to do this month as spring sets in – to put a notch on your belt in your own life search for Bliss?
For my inaugural –New Beginning for the BlissQuest adventure I now choose the first absolute obstacle.
In honor of setting out into new horizons I decided last week to go do something I never thought I would do, something small that I could accomplish in an hour, and add to my list of experiences so I would know if it is Blissful or not… I went in for my first Brazilian wax. Stay tuned for the full disclosure….
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