I was astonished at the level of feedback and emails I got from my date with Zeke. People were coming up to me at work all day and offering opinions, advice and sympathy. It completely blew my mind!
There is more to the story, obviously, because right after I wrote the blog I started thinking, what if he decided to actually read the BlissQuest and would discover therein how unhappy I was with the date even though I hadn’t told him in person. It ate at me all day that I should offer some personal explanation or feedback that wasn’t a public where he was suddenly under fire from strangers.
So I started an email that sounded a lot like an apology. I deleted it. Starting a new email that was the “it’s not you, it’s me.” Then deleted that one too because it just wasn’t honest. For the first time I am really at that place where I was like – “Wait a minute! It’s not me – IT”S REALLY YOU!”
So I thought of the two months of emails that were funny and blunt and charming and honest and I decided that I would write an email that fit in with the previous level of honesty that I had before, no pulling punches, let is all out and see if it is meant to be.
“Hello Zeke,
I wanted to say thank you for meeting me last night. I was really excited that you called and wanted to get together.
But then it all goes tragically wrong somewhere. You were such a douche and I honestly couldn’t tell if you thought you were being funny sometimes or if you’re really honestly that unhappy and hoping to bring that level of unhappiness into a new friendship or relationship of sorts. I seriously couldn’t tell.
No one is ever the same in person as they are in email but I was pretty surprised by how pessimistic you came off. Granted, not everyone has to be farting rainbows and butterflies but still….
If you were tired from long days, I can get that. Everyone is entitled to a bad day, so I am holding out for clarification.
Anywhoo, I’m not really sure what to say. I don’t know if you’re the Zeke from emails or the guy I met last night (Nice enough and with good intentions, but enough ennui and love of steamrolling with generalities to sink a titanic full of emo teenagers).
I’m stumped, but open to explanations….
-Athena”
After I sent it I chewed in my fingernails and wondered if it had been too much. One side of me felt totally responsible for the disappointment of the date because I had clearly built it up too far in my own mind. My bad. And worse, I felt some ridiculous sense of displaced loyalty. But the fact remained that I could believe how he came off at the very first meeting (when people are usually on their best behavior) and also – I couldn’t fathom having someone that unhappy with their life entangled with me even on just a friendship level. I’ve worked really hard to bring myself up from the mud and I don’t intent to get brought back down.
His response was not unexpected but still…
“A “douche”? That’s not warranted. Who and what do you think you are?
Let’s not waste any more of each other’s time.
Good luck to you!”
I have no idea why I was bothered so much. I left work after checking my email and doing the master cleanse for 6 days. Drove straight from work to Burgerville and ended my fast.
Later, when I was retelling the story to BossMamma she laughed as I said, “Well, perhaps I could have phrased my email a little better.”
She said, “I would have left the date after the motorcycle comment. I’m really surprised you didn’t react sooner. The fact that you had a delayed response and put it in email, well, I think that worked in his favor. He’ll just never know it.”
There we have it, the greatest lesson I learned from all of this is that there are far more people who seem to be following my dating life than I previously imagined. I learned that it’s very important to pay attention to my levels of contentment with my life and my choices before bringing someone else into my circle.
The very reason I avoid people when I am depressive, sad or emotionally wound up is that I do not want to be rescued. I don’t want anyone to feel responsible for my level of happiness nor do I want to affect anyone negatively with my mood. I’d rather just cave until it’s in my control again and then share my better parts with people I love. That’s not to say I won’t ask for help when I can’t do it alone, but this whole business brought into sharp perspective how important it is to dialogue that which is positive, encouraging and affirming. I’m not saying be dishonest, just not focusing on the negative possibilities so much.
On Thursday during our ritual at PirateLara’s I lit a candle for Zeke and asked the Universe to give him the eyes to see beauty. What I silently wished for was, “One of those Karmic clubs to the brain that leave you seeing stars and from those stars a vast expanse of gratitude and beauty that totally reshapes the way you see the world.” Those sorts of Karmic clubs are so much fun and revealing!
Not everyone has to fart rainbows and butterflies… but for my future reference, I want a man who can clearly see amazing things and imagine breathtaking potentials and magnificent adventures. He’ll need these things to be able to keep up with me as we set off to chart new horizons.
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