“Throwing Fate a Bone” is taking far too much of my time and energy. I’m burning out on the process of actively looking for a match. Sorting replies that are various degrees of depressing, discouraging, TMI, novellas of their lives or hate mail to find the handful of gems that are worth consistent replies with that either lose my interest or I feel burdened and exhausted by the time I get a chance to write them back.
The level of priority that seems to be what men think I want is; height, weight, wealth, cars, jobs, stories about failed relationships, their sexual desires and proclivities, etc. etc. – yadda, yadda.
There are some good ones. But the level of disparaging, depressing and desperate that I have to go through to get to them, makes them precious and yet – I feel I have nothing left to give. Combined with my last two dates that ended up being somewhat painful… I’m just tired. Is it always this hard?
Tired of trying. This being actively searching and open is fucking exhausting. Late last night I got out of bed at 2am to write because I was inspired to make notes on a current project. But when I crawled back into bed I couldn’t sleep. I laid there wondering what I thought I was trying to do? What’s the point?
I guess you could say, I’m discouraged.
And so as I laid staring at the ceiling I thought, why not just take a lover. Skip the idea of a relationship or anything long term. Just take a summer lover, or a consort of sorts. Nothing serious. Something that wouldn’t hem me in or alter my decisions. Something that would help me reawaken, and sharpen my sexual instincts. Someone who would not expect much of me in my personal life, but would be interested in learning and sharing in the bedroom without a stake or deeply vested interest in my personal choices.
A lover to remind me about fire. A lover I can put my teeth into and still be fine when they are off busily doing their own things. Just a lover. A companion for the seduction of senses.
I wouldn’t mind taking someone less experienced and showing the ropes. I certainly wouldn’t mind taking someone more experienced and learning new tricks. A Leos’ Consort, perhaps. I dunno.
It seems more and more that while I am opening to the possibility of love again – that I am clearly rusty and out of practice and I don’t like the void of confidence that leaves when I’m approaching the idea of meeting with someone. I would like my confidence fully intact. Instincts wide awake. I want my vibrancy to shine. I want control of my sexual potency.
But I don’t know how to begin, nor am I sure that’s really the route I want to take yet. It’s just buzzing around in there. A possibility. Perhaps a distraction from the piles of emails waiting for me that are full of desperate grief and human angst.
I’m totally open to perspective at this point… cuz, I’m coming up with nothing.
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