I was at the Bite of Oregon on Sunday doing the photos for Women Who Rock. It was a pretty hot day and even though I was surrounded by food and drinks I didn’t actually take good care of myself while I was in the heat. Good pictures. Awesome music. Company of friends and a mild sunburn later, I ventured off into the rows of food tents in search of something delicious to eat.
I was carrying my bag and camera tripod over a shoulder. Exhausted, sun-tired, hungry and a little disoriented from dehydration – I stood in front of a food vendor reading the menu when out of nowhere, some random man walked up behind me, put his chin on my left shoulder and whispered into my ear.
He reeked of alcohol, sweat and musk and my mind instantly flew into a panic mode of fight or flight -which for the first time in maybe 10 years I was able to control. I did not swing at him reflexively. I did not verbally lash him to pieces like I normally would have. I did not brain him with my tripod even though it was very difficult to control the response – for the first time, I managed.
“I can’t decide what to eat. I was hoping you could help me choose something.” He said into my ear – filling my senses with beer breath and sending fear shooting through my body.
I tried to turn around and look at him but he shifted his body and stayed in my blind spot as I did a full circle. Motherfucker didn’t want me to see him which just enraged me more. My heart raced and I struggled momentarily to breathe and make sure my knees didn’t lock in fear. Memories flooded to an unhappy place. It was major sensory overload and I’m astonished that I held it together without reacting violently. Mostly I had to suppress the urge to use my tripod as a bludgeoning weapon.
When is it ever appropriate to put your face on a stranger? To touch them or grab them from behind?
Maybe when you’re a server and you are walking behind someone so you don’t scare them or let them back up into you. Or when you’re in a crowd and you need to get past and they can’t hear you.
When I snapped at him and started to walk away, he actually followed me until I swung around and said not-so-politely, I was walking away from him to find a safe place to eat making it clear that I would not be the least bit pleased if he tried to follow.
I was angry. Maybe disproportionately so -but not without justification. I realized later that some people simply do not know proper etiquette when approaching someone. Boss Mama said, “Aw! He was flirting with you.”
Flirting my ass. Proper flirting includes eye contact, body language permissions, talking to a person like they are a human being. Flirting does not include an approach that leaves the other person completely defenseless and unprotected. That’s not flirting – that’s a set up for an attack or a power play. Both of which are games I don’t play unless I engage to survive and inflict a substantial amount of damage in the process.
Then I started to wonder… Am I over reacting? Do I judge human encounters with the opposite sex too harshly? Do I need to continue to slow my responses down? Suppress the fight or flight yet further?
If you are a woman, how would you feel in my situation? Would you have verbally lashed out? Struck out with fists? Would it have even bothered you?
As a man, do you understand where women are coming from here? Do you agree with his approach? Would you think twice before approaching someone this way?
I am curious to know – thanks for the feedback.
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