Wilted.

Alrighty folks, heavy sigh… here we go. After posting DoubleVirgo

Grace left me this comment, “Well if I was a jealous man I might be a tad bothered by the fact that you texted just to get this comment, as I am not I will simply say good times are good times still a tad disappointed by the come see what I did thing but like I said good times are good times and theses your missing comment”

When I opened my inbox for the BlissQuest and saw his comments, I wilted a little.

Because he clearly doesn’t know me at all.

Which I found suddenly both very sad and disappointing. My enjoyment of Grace thus far has been exploratory and fun. He doesn’t ask questions about me. Mostly, he just states things he believes I am or am not – and usually, I don’t see the point in arguing or pointing out that that he’s wrong because, what’s the point of telling the wind not to blow? It will anyway.

So up till now I think I’ve been operating under the small assumption that as we hang out, or text (sometimes 30 times a day), we are a sort of tenuous friends with possible benefits but that he’ll never be more to me – simply because he doesn’t care enough to ask questions of a personal nature as though he actually cares.

He wants no investment in me. No real permanence. So it’s safer for him not to know.

And I’m okay with that. I haven’t argued with that concept – until now.

Grace has been reading my blogs. Dozens of them. And as he started commenting I’ve been waiting for the backlash from people – but I believe they are holding off for me. He started commenting right away about posts that contain things about him, then privately texting me about how he thinks I make him sound.

Then came the awkward part of dating in a semi-public forum. Chimera’s kiss on my blog, earned me two separate conversations on the phone of Grace asking me if he were the better kisser. Grace ever referring to Chimera as “the guy with funny eyes”.

“You can say no, and I won’t be hurt, because I already know I’m a better kisser.” He said.

“Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear? Or do you actually want the truth?” I asked.

And so on.

I found it to be a symbol of the fact that he had no vested interest in me for himself that he felt comfortable talking about my dates, my kisses and the fact that I was seeing other people. The fact that I am coming alive again.

“Athena, you have exploded out of your box.” He said one night on the phone.

Because I am me – I took this level of involvement to be a friendly banter of occasional lovers. Still after bantering about my dates, Grace and I would talk on the phone for hours, or text goodnights, etc. But knowing he had no real interest in me, his involvement and teasing about my dates was, I felt, his way of staying distant.

Often he jokes that my posts are boring when they’re not about him. But he often comments on them nonetheless.

So when he didn’t comment on DoubleVirgo, and hadn’t texted me all day (which is actually quite unusual) I wondered if he was okay.

What? No text to complain about a guy with shaggy hair? No snarky comment about musicians? No witty text about the state of my clumsy attempts or nitpicky complaints about my choice? He hasn’t commented yet about some flaw in Doublevirgo? Then there was also a small and tiny fear in me that he actually had read the post and was somehow upset about it.

Then I remembered, Grace had been sick and wondered if he was okay.

So to clarify, I texted this “You didn’t comment on my last blog? How are you feeling today? Better?”

Holy shit storm, Batman.

“you know like herds the deal I’m a big boy who in the grand scheme of things really just enjoys dating alot and I like to date more than one girl at a time and if asked am pretty up front about it and while I dont really care what you do when not with me because your a big girl too I do think that its a bit of a bullshit note to send me a text just to get a reaction about this last post and if that wasn’t the intent well then I will say sorry now but from here thats what it looks like which just irks me for some reason makes me feel like I am playing some weird game” -Grace

Like I said. Wilted.

So far, Grace is the king of mixed signals. I thought I would be able to keep up. But evidently, not.

I’m not going to be able to use this, “New to dating” excuse much longer. But what I really need to know is…. Is this normal? Is this normal behavior on my end? Did I make a logical assumption?

If I’m in the wrong here, I need to know about it, people.

I don’t feel wrong. I feel like I was working with what he gave me. But it feels like he gave me something he didn’t intend to – and now he’s pissed about it.

Is this what the dating world is like? Seriously? I finally get laid after who the fuck knows how long and already celibacy is looking good again.