Because things have been so busy for awhile I never got around to posting the 31st Note to Self.

And so I am faced with the need to be honest. Sometimes ignorance is Bliss – but thus far on the BlissQuest I have tried very hard to be as honest as I can with even the things that are unflattering. I cannot be a better person if I am not clear about what my patterns are nor can I run away from the obligation I have to myself to make changes that benefit my wellbeing. And I cannot expect total honesty from anyone if I do not have the courage to do the same.

So here goes. Let’s be honest, folks. I wanted to believe. I really did. Is that honest? Allow me to break it down.

Per my post on Oxygen I knew I wanted him. I knew and it scared the crap out of me. It terrified me that he could affect me in a way I didn’t understand. Sensations too newly wakened to have a current frame of reference. It terrified me that I knew how unhealthy he was for me and that I could still be moved internally after years of feeling next to nothing.

It was terrifying and yet – I was ready. Ready to breathe oxygen and be free. I am ready to love again and I know it.

Let me be more honest and say, Yes. I wanted it to be him in some way or another.

It was upon this realization to myself that I let him know I could get attached if I continued to see him and upon my revelation to him he said, “the man the myth the legend himself says this I think that I have done my part in your life now you seem to be ready for more and I like who and what I am remember me fondly”

And so, after several conversations about his expectation to keep things impermanent. I stayed away from him for a week or so as I chanted the manta in my mind,

“Curb, Athena. Curb it. Curb it. Find the light in the situation. Don’t be scared back into your cave – jump into the light. Breathe. Be free! Curb the direction and let fly the passion in a new way so as not to be moved in his direction because he clearly doesn’t want you there. Curb, Athena. Go where you are wanted.”

It was during this time that I made up my mind not to hinge my happiness or my next love adventure on someone who didn’t value me enough to ask about my life. When we established contact again, it was in my mind – friends. And with this new statement of friends in my mind, I could quantify the desire I had to be near him with the logic of also not tangling myself into his threads in a way that would trap us both.
The best way I could think of that was to go along with his dissection of my dating life. To meet him on ground that was passionate and tender while also remembering constantly – “He doesn’t want you, Athena. Enjoy his company. Enjoy the attention and the interaction but do not get attached.”

And I did. I lied to myself – to keep him near me. I settled for what I could have in friendship (Ie. His teasing of my dates and banter about my blog life.)

It was easy to lie to myself, because he made it easy with his words, “Run away from me.” “I don’t want anything permanent.”

And because I could lie to myself so well. It was also easy to look past the fact that he was saying one thing and doing the opposite. I could ignore the fact that he was lying to himself as well.

I told Skysidhe a couple of weeks ago over lunch, “I don’t know what to do. He says one thing and five minutes later acts the opposite.”
“I know how that must be confusing,” She said. “But the only thing you really can do, is take him for his word.”

We both knew, any other option and I would just get hurt. So I made him my pal. Turned him into a character with idiosyncrasies that could be explained or written away. I settled into a comfort zone of banter and found a safety there.

And much to my detriment – I ignored the signs. Believing that he didn’t care for me in any way – I believed I could treat my dating life that same with him as I had for several weeks.

My Bad. I lied to myself and it backfired – as it tends to do.
So I cannot so much accuse him of dishonesty with me, as I was also a contributing factor. I played in my part in this debacle. So let’s be completely honest and say, he wouldn’t have been able to pull it off without my subconscious and willing co-operation.

Last night my texts with Grace were heated. I told him that he was wrong and I was deserving of an apology. To which he replied, the apology was built in, just in case he was wrong and that was all I was going to get. “I’ll see you when I see you”, he said.

It was then that I finally fell off my hinges. All I would get. Not even a decent apology for something that he already suspected was an inaccurate accusation.

And is all came together like solid weaving.

What do I want?

I want to be treated like I matter. I want to be treated like a person who is deserving of equality. And if I have to pull back my shoulders, tits up and ovaries out and fess up when I’m wrong and admit that publicly on my blog – which I often do – then I want a man who has the balls to do the same.

What do I want?

I want a man. I want to be wanted – just like anyone else. I want forthright conversation. Honest expectations. Honorable intentions. Passionate sex! I want someone strong enough or courageous enough to challenge the things that I am strong enough or courageous enough to challenge.

If I’m bold enough to hold my ground – he better be fucking bold enough to hold his.

Rage. Rippling rage swept through me like it hasn’t since I got a one way plane ticket from my ex-husband so his girlfriend could move in and have a baby. Rage.

It only makes sense, I suppose, that if Grace was able to draw me forth from my cocoon with new sensations of awakening – the other side of the spectrum would be there as well. Fury.

He’d texted several times, things like, “good times are good times” “next time around” “see you when I see you”.

I thought about it. Thought about it. Thought about it.

What do I want?

I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to give myself to someone and be received. I want to be taken in. I want to take someone in to me. I want a healthy evolution and blissful if even if sometimes rocky journey with someone I trust.

Can I or will I have these things with Grace? Probably not. No. It would require of him what he clearly does not want to actually give to me and he has demonstrated no real desire to know who I actually am.

And so, with a bit more sadness than expected I sent my final reply to him. … “That’s a terrible defense (being drunk). Good Night Mr. Grace. Take Care. Maybe I will see you around sometime.”

I hated to text it but he wouldn’t answer the phone. Crawling into bed I felt a burn in my ego, a twitch in my center and let out a heavy sigh. Emotions are out of the box. There is air on my exposed internal workings and I am vulnerable to sensations that I have not needed to be before.

But the fact remains – I deserve better treatment. Friend or otherwise.

As I was drifting off to sleep my text dinged and when I opened it, “I actually only play offense and maybe you will I wont lay odds on it and like I said maybe I was wrong doesn’t feel that way now though”

And so I slept with the sad knowledge I am not built for these games. I have no radar for them not desire to learn. And woke with the new conviction that I am free – I am able to explore and be and love again and only the man who earns me can have me.

I have recently discovered that my heartworks still have current. That the electrical system in me still generates and that I am not too old or worn to still get sparks. So I look forward to having not sparks in the future – but the chance to someday experience the raging firestorm.

Now that’s a post – I can’t wait to write for you all.

And thusly, with some sadness, this chapter closes.