Exit to Bliss
The BlissQuest was originally begun as a way to keep my friends and family posted on my whereabouts as I traveled away from my safety net of Portland and wandered around the country in search of myself and healed my past.
It began as a check-in for people I knew and loved to keep tabs and became something else.
Those first few months that I was out and about, I processed some major emotional traumas and as I stopped in to coffee shops to write my blogs and update my family I realized I’d found an outlet to keep track of these leaps, ideas, evolutions and discoveries. It took me a year to realize that Bliss wasn’t some neatly wrapped package that would reveal all the mysteries of the Universe – but an ongoing journey of constant progressive growth. Occasionally with setbacks or curve balls, but also with treasure and beauty.
So I didn’t stop writing when my travels ended – but continued to dig, to try and mature, become stronger and more open. What started out as a way to keep my family abreast of my whereabouts became a public – very public – metamorphosis. It has become the voice I use to explore the world, to test limits to find abundance and create the life I believe I can have.
In this, I have also made a choice not to censor the journey. This has been my choice thus far. Not to censor. Not to hide parts of y life even when they are dark, or dirty – because I have come to believe through this verbal processing that I will heal, grow and evolve better if I put all that is hidden – in to the light. Even when it’s ugly. Even when it’s embarrassing. Even when I am ashamed.
I often evaluate my choices in ways that I believe I probably wouldn’t if I didn’t have this public accountability. I wonder, would I be ashamed to post this? If I’m ashamed, should I do it? Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes I just don’t care. But the fact that it crosses my mind then it certainly – without doubt – crosses the minds of the people who enter my sphere.
“And you’re not allowed to blog this.” Is said to me quite frequently, and I respect the request.
In terms of having a public life I have just surpassed my 531,661 total page hits. Which isn’t tremendous in terms of hits, and I average about 800 to a thousand spam a day. 400 local regular and interspersed readers and a few hundred more that register IP addresses further away.
So at best perhaps a thousand readers, but usually not all every single day. I don’t even know if that’s a lot in terms of blogging but what it does mean – is that there are a thousand people who are not always going to agree with the way I put myself out there.
There are people who are going to read and assume that what I write is all there is. That my public persona, being so open and exposed means they know all there is to know about me and they will base their assumptions on this information.
There will be others who do not want to be in my sphere of influence because they will not want to be included in a public experience.
Then there are others who will only want to be in my sphere for the public attention.
There are those who will agree with me – others who will criticize. Still more that will write me privately and carry on correspondence behind the scenes about how I affect their journeys, thanks yous and fuck yous and everything in between. Sometimes there is hate mail, but most of the time – usually, I am gifted with letters from people who appreciate that I speak. What I say releases pressure in some, inspires some, infuriates others but typically, the good outweighs the bad.
I have scared people away with my blog. Others I have brought closer. It’s all part of the journey to find bliss and share it with the kindred of the twisted path we call life. My journey includes you all, as much as you read me, I am affected by you.
It’s a choice, and I’ve already made my choice.
This last week of development has made me want to curl up in a ball. I’ve struggled with the urge to hit “delete site”. I’ve been jumpy and nervous about what’s out there lurking. Fearful. Wounded. Tangled. Scared. And through it all, there have been defenders, saints. I have been saddened, and yet comforted. It’s been a couple of really rough weeks on the blog – definitely a roller coaster of emotions and yet….
Because I am made the way I am made. Because I resist control and censorship and refuse to be boxed…. I will not, under these circumstances change the way I do things. It is a choice. I understand this.
And I choose to keep speaking. I choose to put myself out there and stand firm under the pressure of my conflicting desire to love and be loved again – and the public awareness of my writings.
I refuse to become paranoid about my past erupting into my future.
I refuse to hide parts of my life that are so gloriously evolutionary in terms of development into Bliss. Love. Dating. Searching for my soul pieces. Art. Writing. Creation.
I still don’t know where I will end up. I still don’t know what is in store for the adventures of the future. I have no idea what new horizons I want to explore.
But I do know – I want to do all that exploring with you.
So if you are all still game for the BlissQuest, don’t give up on me now. I know it’s been a lot of drama lately but I’m working on getting that all fixed.
If you’re still in, then let’s keep going – together – and see where all this is going to end up.
I still want to see how the story ends….
Do you?
Cali coast on Early BlisQuest
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