Break the Cycle. Follow Your Bliss

I was sitting near the river on my lunch break the other day. I sat on the grass in my work slacks and let my toes curl into the earth.

Up above, in the overcast sky, planes crossed on their flight path into PDX. Cars on the road behind me seemed light years away even though they were a stones toss from where I sat… pondering.

Where did the BlissQuest deviate?

How did I end up here? Forgetting to find the epic adventure in the smallest event? Forgetting to shine when the dullest of times plague me? Forgetting to voice when there is something to speak? How did this become my life?

When did I stop trying?

I realized then, for the first time, that Bliss can be work. It’s not always easy. It doesn’t fall in your lap every time. Sometimes you have to dig for it. Pull up the layers, resurface and polish to find the gleam.

BlissQuesting was easy when I was not tied down and had the freedom to hop in the jeep at any moment and run off in search of the next big adventures. But sometimes Bliss is sticking some roots in the ground and making a place for yourself – that’s what I’ve been trying to do for the last three years.

I put in roots and took a safe, well paying corporate job in finance.

Anyone who truly knows me will see the irony in that.

So for the last three years I have been split between the dichotomy of trying to maintain my bizarre and creative self while also trying to keep a job that has little room for creativity and basic humanity.

Obviously, I needed a job that would support me while I write. Because Plan A is being a self supporting writer. But as time has worn on, I’ve discovered there is less and less of me to give to words and fiction and worlds of the imagination – because when I come home from a corporate environment where I struggle to push myself into a framework where I don’t belong – I am tired and sad and empty.

In three years of struggling to be what I am expected to be, I am forgetting who I am. Which I believe is the whole point from their perspective. The less human/creative/passionate/energetic I am – the less I struggle against how I am expected to behave.

I have also come to understand that this is not the normal corporate setting. Where I work, in the last three years – there has been perhaps a 30-40 percent turnover.

IN A RECESSION.

And to my knowledge, only a very small fraction less than a handful were actually fired. Everyone else simply left. Walked away or took a new position somewhere else. Jumped ship.

There is a terrible sense of security where I work. Feeling like at any moment the axe will fall. Being pressed to believe that no matter your success or achievement it will never measure up or be considered noteworthy.

I believe this environment has encouraged people, myself included, to stop trying. There is no way to win so why put your heart and soul into it? If you cannot feel for a moment that what you have done is appreciated for its effort and validated for the measure of energy that you put in, even if you did not accomplish the appearance of success from a standard that is established beyond your control… why in god’s name would you continue to beat yourself to a pulp only to feel persistently discouraged for your perceived failure?

No healthy human on this earth would continue to do so. They would jump ship in the middle of a recession and take their chances.

I have never done anything I care about, half-assed. I’ve never done anything I am passionate about, half-assed. I admit that I’ve taken survival jobs and done them adequately but without the above and beyond the call of duty bit of extra.

I further admit I have only given this job as much as I feel like I get in return.

Which is to say, not my everything.

And even by not giving my everything – I manage to go home each day feeling bad about myself. Bad about the kind of human being I am becoming. Bad about the mistreatment I allow to slide. Bad about the things I see or hear and do not address because I am afraid of losing a job I’ve come to depend on.

As I sat near the river by the airport at lunch, I decided – there is no Bliss here in this job. There are things that can be noted as parts of Bliss. A team I adore. A location that’s easy to get to. Etc.

But there is no passion. No growth toward my human goals. No progress toward that which makes me a better person, a contribution to society. There is no magic or creativity or willingness to encompass the broader spectrum of the human experience. It is robotic.

So I decided it is time to look elsewhere. Since I started sending out resumes, I have had five interviews. Two with unrelated work and three with a company where I’d be doing the same work – but in a vastly different environment.

During my interviews with this other company the director of the school stressed several times they were looking for a team member with a quirky personality. Someone creative that communicates well and can connect with their students.

Compare that for a moment with the director of the company I currently work for who said, “You are like an infection.” And he didn’t mean it like I was Polly Anna spreading the sunshine of life to those who didn’t want it. He meant it like I was trouble and disgusting because I bucked against bad treatment and insisted on putting colorful pictures on my desk and having a cardboard cutout of Legolas in my office.

This new company expressed an interest in how I reach out to people who don’t understand money, how I build bonds with students who are on the verge of changing their life and they are afraid or nervous. How do I help them gain the strength to make a life altering decision or help them find peace with their choice if they so choose not to go back to school?

Compare that to a statement that was made to me by a previous manager at my current location, “You are not here to make friends with students. You are here to get their money, not listen to their troubles.”

It’s true. I might be going from one frying pan to another. But it’s equally true that I might be going someplace that will give me just enough support and freedom to be a person long enough that I can also achieve my own personal goals for this lifetime. It’s just a job, yes. But just a job can mean, I can also have meaningful interactions with people and share this magnificent evolution and journey – and at the same time, support myself financially until I can finish my books.

This life is small. Perhaps 50 years of spectacular living if you are lucky, interspersed with another 20 of finding your footing, growing up, making mistakes and finding a new direction. Topped off with ten of you drooling on yourself and forgetting everything.

So 50 years of quality – if you are lucky.

That’s really not that much. It’s a fraction. A blip. It’s not even a geological pebble in the Grand Canyon.

Why? Why on god’s green earth would you stay somewhere – even in a recession that doesn’t help you live a portion of that 50 years with a measure of true Bliss?

And while this new company has not made me an offer, I suspect I will be leaning toward working someplace that takes in to account, I am a person. Even knowing that option is out there, makes me heady with excitement. So if I don’t get this job, I will continue to look.

The point is, to you all who are in a similar boat. It’s okay to look. It’s okay to fix up your resume and wade out into the waters of recession. It’s okay to take a risk that you can find a place that would make you happier.

It might mean taking a hard look at that resume and deciding what it needs. It might mean sending out several hundred applications (for the record I sent out nearly 80). It might mean buying a new pair of pants for interviewing.

But it might also mean the truth will set you free. It might mean that you will find a place that gives you as much as you put in. It might mean you will find a temporary home away from home so when you came back to your family at night – you aren’t tired and sad and depleted. You will have more to give because less was taken away.

It’s easier said than done. I know.

But as I sat beside the river that day I decided, I wandered into the rabbit hole three years ago and what I found there was an education worth more than money, a skill set that could support me, and the willingness to maintain the fight to be an individual, to be accountable for my choices, and acknowledged for my efforts. I discovered that Bliss is the right to be treated like a human being.

So I will follow my Bliss.

Good luck, everyone. I sincerely home that the jobs and careers you find to support the living of your 50 years provides you a measure of Bliss.

Here’s a thought. For being such a wealthy nation, why is the US so dissatisfied? Despite our current lack of employment (which is a huge factor) even before our job loss we were statistically the least contented 1st world nation. Add to that the health issues that come hand in hand with unhappiness and we are also the unhealthiest.

Break the cycle. Follow your Bliss.