Character Flaws – Less Cryptic?

My last post garnered a debate on Facebook, where all my blogs cross-post from the BlissQuest. I also got a few worried texts, a couple of emails and a phone call – so what I learned is that I need to try to be less cryptic in my blogging if I can’t be right on top of a follow-up.

So here goes.

I’ve been pondering Character a lot lately because of who I am at my office. I am not who I am at home anymore.

When I first started this job, what you see is what you got. I was bouncy, goofy, snarky and optimistic. I used to be able to factor new information, be flexible and after a little gripeage – I’d manage to pull it together and do what needed to be done.

Now, I am not at my best health. My body is struggling with issues I didn’t even know I could have at this age and hormone therapy it totally screwing with my sense of reality. On top of that I am combative, irritable, resistant to everything and anyone and I go so far as to say that my anger has become toxic and I am affecting people in my work space.

For the most part I haven’t had the energy to leave the house for anything but work and then home again – but when I do, I do go on a bit on the whinny side about my life. And once I realize my tocixity is like a runaway train, I stop talking, going out or communicating for fear of oozing all over someone.

So I cave.

Because I think of my Character as being the nature of my behavior when I am on auto-pilot. The mind or conscience that thinks and acts for me when I am not thinking or acting for myself – I am not happy with what I’m seeing about my Character since I’ve been too tired to make active conscious decisions.

While I know that my Character is a conditioned set of responses over a lifetime of repetitive choices – I have to ask myself, “Am I always a bitchy-toxic- asshole when I’m not feeling well?”

OR

Is my behavior a response from the loads of artificial hormones from my treatments, sleep deprivation, medical bills, unhealthy work environment and the current inability to burn a good sweat at the gym and subsequent stress of all of the above?

OR

Both?

The thing that worries me at the moment, is that I am having so much trouble telling what is real and what is a proportionate response – I fear I will do or say something I can’t take back.

But isn’t that a true reflection of Character? Who you are when there is stress? Who you become when circumstances put pressure on your comfort zones? And if that’s the case – I’m kind of a monster when I’m uncomfortable.

I snap and bitch and turn caustic and then want to be totally left alone.

Character is as character does.

And what I do right now is hiss and snap and bite.

Is that medication or me? Because when my treatments are over and my hormones are normal again – I don’t want to be this person. It’s exhausting and lonely and emotionally pitiful.

But because I can’t see the forest for the trees right now – I can’t tell if this is what I’m really like, because I’m forgetting what it feels like to feel vibrant and gracious and loving.

I can’t remember love. If that medication? Or me?

Ohmygod! What if it’s ME?

I’ve gotta tell ya, I have a whole new respect for pregnant women. I have enough hormones in my system for two pregnant women. I have morning sickness, nausea most of the day if I’m not constantly eating, weight gain, water retention, swollen ankles, aching breasts, moody swings and by mood swings I don’t mean a tire swing of moods but a carnival ride being operated by a drunken clown kind of mood swing. I have shaking hands, pathetically low hemoglobin counts – which means I pant excessively going DOWN a flight of stairs because my blood supply can’t carry enough oxygen for anything cardio.

I burst into tears at the drop of a hat – just ask the group of teenage girls sitting next to me at the theater when I went to see Eclipse, I had heaving sobs all through the 10 minutes of previews. The PREVIEWS. With no warning WHATSOEVER! And it got my popcorn all soggy.

I’ve been bleeding since the last week of February. That’s 5 months of bleeding. No wonder I’m tired.

Plus, as it happens, an excess of female hormones makes the female brain believe its body is actually bigger than it really is. I’ve gained 10 lbs. But I imagine it to be nearly 50 and when I go to sit on a chair, my mind worries for a moment, “oh god, I hope it can take my weight.” A totally disproportionate sense of size.

So I don’t feel sexy. I haven’t worn any of my cute shoes in months. Can’t wear my white summer dresses and skirts because I’ll likely bleed through so I wear the same four pairs of dowdy pants to work because – I don’t want to buy more clothes at this weight.

But worst of all, is the affect it’s having on my relationships because I struggle with appropriate words and responses in the proper situations. All I usually want to do is club someone’s stupid rambling chatter with a “Shut the fuck up you stupid whinny pussy.”

So I avoid almost everyone.

No Bueno.

But it keeps coming back to IS THIS WHO I REALLY AM?

When the chips are down am I this angry, crying, swollen, accusatory, toxic person?

Or if this was a crazy contest – would I be winning or what???

Therefore I am digging in to my actions and traits now to see if there are patterns, toxic or otherwise. Are there other times in my life when I’ve felt this way. Trapped and frustrated?

Are there other traits that I can lean on that will pull me through? Can I find other alternatives and outlets for my emotions until my medications are altered or until my body can start to heal the fibroids and endometriosis?

What ways can I discover if this poor behavior is a part of my actual personality and if it is- how can I work on correcting it so it doesn’t come to this the next time I find myself in a pinch?

That is what my last post was really about, and how I have been puzzling my internal makeup and strength of character for the last few weeks. Nothing to worry about folks. It wasn’t meant to be a cryptic or confusing post. I was just trying to find the words to express that I feel, that especially on the BlissQuest, I need to root these questions out and see take an honest look at the answers.

I need to experience the crappy moments to truly appreciate that I can actually recall a time when I used to skip – yes, skip and hum and sing in the shower before work.

If I am questing for bliss with any truth – does that not mean that there will be patches like these? Does it not mean that there will be contrast and comparison and the simultaneous discovery of things that are NOT bliss? And this surely qualifies for that!